Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 17: Losing Control

***TW: vivid domestic abuse, extreme emotional distress/conflict***

A/N: This is an intense chapter. It is extremely vivid with physical violence and extreme emotional heaviness. There are small breaks from the intensity throughout, but please don't read if think it will be a trigger!

The car ride home is silent, but Roger has a death grip on Siobhan's thigh. She doesn't flinch nor cry out in pain. They pull up in the driveway and Roger drags Siobhan out of the car. As the front door is opened, he slings Siobhan inside and slams the door behind him.

"Why was Vivian in the office so long? And why was she talking to you?" Siobhan rolled her eyes and released all reservations in how she responded to Roger. "Marjorie sent her to the office to fill out some paperwork. Majorie went to let Charlotte know that Jamie would be staying a little longer. Vivian was just making small talk while she waited." Siobhan stood with confidence, adrenaline coursing through her. Roger scoffed, "You expect me to believe that?" Siobhan sighed, her heart racing as anger built within her. "Believe what you want, Roger," she said, her voice steady. "But I'm telling you the truth."

Roger doesn't like me to stand up to him, but I don't care tonight. I deserve to be hurt and honestly I want to be hurt. I'm worthless anyway, why not. I want to be distracted from the pain of losing Vivian. Physical pain is so much easier than this!

Roger's face burned red. He clinched his teeth. "Bitch!" Roger raised his hand and slapped Siobhan across her face. Her cheek began to tingle as Roger's hand slipped away. Siobhan felt as if she was outside of her body watching everything unfold. Numbness enveloped her, the noises and Roger's voice sounded like echoes through the forest.

I'm not backing down tonight. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of appeasing him. I'm tired of giving up everything for him. All I can imagine at this moment is Viv's tears and her saying "I love you, baby" I am her baby. I miss the safety of her touch and I want to fight for the chance to feel that again.

Roger lost all control of his temper as Siobhan fought back. She actually landed some punches, but Roger being stronger got the upper hand. He punched her in the stomach and as she doubled over, he kicked her legs out from under her.

I don't know if fighting back is really worth it. I'm not sure I will survive this time.

Siobhan's head slammed into the hard wood floor. Her world dulled to a hazy blur. The pain from his blows faded, replaced by a cold detachment. She wasn't here anymore—not really. Roger straddled her and began punching her face. He must have hit her over ten times before she quit trying to fight back. That is when he realized she was knocked out. He got up and kicked her as hard as he could in the stomach.

He, exhausted, walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink. Shaking from the adrenaline and busted knuckles on his hands, he spills a little on the counter. He lets out an evil laugh, "alcohol abuse! Can't be wasting my whiskey!" He stood over Siobhan concerned— not about Siobhan— but how he would explain it away. He brought his whiskey glass to his lips, taking a small sip. He shrugged his shoulders as he walked away to relax on the couch.

He continued to stare at Siobhan, laying unconscious on the floor. He had been so thoughtful, since the last hospital visit, to stop before she would need medical care. Not tonight, he lost all control because he felt like he was losing his control over her. He was worried that he may not be able to avoid suspicion. He thought maybe she won't have to go to the hospital. I'll just see if she wakes up.

Across town, oblivious to the horror unfolding in Siobhan's home, Marjorie's house hummed with life. Laughter spilled into the room as friends gathered, unaware that the time to act was slipping through their fingers.