Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 12: Disassociate

TW: domestic violence, abuse

"Siobhan? What's happening my love?" Siobhan is frozen as tears stream down her face. She utters noises trying to speak, but no words come out. She begins gasping for air as her body begins to slowly tilt to the side. Marjorie's heart falls into her stomach. She recognizes these signs and walks calmly over to Siobhan.

Siobhan leans forward, her chair rolling out from under her. She falls to her knees on the carpeted floor beneath her. She grabs her chest, the look in her eyes is desperate. Marjorie kneels down beside her, placing her hand gently on her back. "Siobhan, I think you are having a panic attack. I need you to breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth." Marjorie looks at Siobhan gently and keeps eye contact, helping her focus.

Roger's text read, "What the hell were you doing with that parent? She drove you to your appointment?! Did you forget I have spies? I will be picking you up from the nursery! You better be there!"

I thought we would be safe. What have I done? Does he know which parent? Did I just put Vivian in danger? If anything happened to her, it would kill me! Will I survive this?

Marjorie slowly rubs Siobhan's back to the rhythm of the breaths. She begins to see life in Siobhan's eyes. Her breathing is stabilizing, body beginning to relax. She looks at Marjorie with gratitude in her eyes. Then Marjorie, in a caring voice, "Who was it Siobhan? What happened?" Just like that Siobhan's expression goes blank, no depth to her eyes. She looks at Marjorie "Don't overreact, Marjorie. I'm fine." Marjorie wants to push, but decides it's futile.

I'm so sorry Marjorie. I really want to let her in, but I can't risk getting anyone else hurt. I never thought that I would have others care for me. Definitely not Marjorie. She was genuinely concerned. Now she probably hates me. Just like Roger says, I'm unlovable.

Why did Siobhan shut me out? She is clearly terrified about something. I saw it in her eyes. The complete emptiness I saw after her panic attack, took me back to this morning. I'm getting nauseous as scenarios fly through my mind. For a reaction like that out of someone who never shows emotion, it must be enormous.

Roger arrives at the nursery around 2:00 and storms into the office. "Let's go Siobhan!" Siobhan flinches at the tone and lowers her head in submission. Marjorie watches as Siobhan shrinks into herself. Her concern deepens as she witnesses the couples body language. Heart pounding in her chest, eyes burning as the anxiety starts to push tears into her eyes.

I think my reservations about how Siobhan was hurt last month were correct. I need to try to get him to let her stay. I have to at least try to protect her in any way I can.

"I really need Siobhan to stay since we are short staffed in case of an emergency." Roger cut his eyes sharply at Marjorie and narrowed them. She could almost feel his eyes burning through her. "Really, well you are going to have to call the sister nursery to send someone over." Roger grabs Siobhan by the arm and yanks her out the office door, out of the nursery and all but throws her in his car.

Marjorie immediately picks up the phone to call Vivian. Marjorie paces the office floor as the phone rings. On the third ring, Vivian answers the phone, "Hiya! Siobhan?" Marjorie winces at the greeting. "N-no, Vivian it's, erm, it's Majorie..." Vivian can feel the distress in her tone and immediately stands from the couch. "What's going on Marjorie? Is it Siobhan?" Vivian begins to bite her nails waiting for Marjorie to respond.

Why is Marjorie's voice so shaky. What could have happened? I have Jamie already so I don't think there would be any other reason she would call me, besides Siobhan. If anything bad happens to her, I don't know what I would do. We had only just begun!

"After you left with Jamie, Siobhan checked her phone and had a major panic attack. She couldn't catch her breath. she fell to the floor holding her chest. I was able to help her come out of it, but her eyes looked completely empty." Vivian's hands began to shake. Her palms were sweaty, her heart pounding. She thought it could only mean one thing, Roger. Marjorie continued, "Roger just came to collect Siobhan. His eyes almost seemed to burn and his tone was sharp. He grabbed her arm and basically dragged her out of the nursery."

Vivian's side of the phone went completely silent. The more she tried to hold back, the more violent the pressure in her chest became. She was devastated at the thought that she may have caused Siobhan to endure the wrath of Roger. Vivian didn't know what to do. She had Jamie and her parents were out of town. Jamie is her number one priority. She had no one to watch him and couldn't leave him. She gasped at the pain she felt in her chest as she realized there is really nothing she could do, but hope.

Meanwhile at Roger's home, Siobhan has completely disassociated, she had become almost catatonic. She stared blankly at nothing, barely even blinking. Her posture reflected complete defeat. Roger had been yelling insults in the car and punched her square in the jaw as they walked into the house. He then latched his hand onto her neck. Raised her feet from the floor and slammed her,on her back, to the hard wood floor. "Who is she Siobhan? I will stop if you tell me." This was the exact moment she deployed her coping mechanism, disassociation. She would never tell him, so she prepared herself to withstand the worst.

It was as if Siobhan was a rag doll the way Roger was flinging her body around the house. Punching her over and over again asking, "Who is she?!" Roger's violence had reached a new level and he seemed to really enjoy it. The smile he was wearing was the biggest Siobhan had ever seen. He beat her for hours and left her laying alone on the cold, hard floor.