Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 26: Not This Time...

Vivian and Siobhan wake up from their nap and notice they have an hour before Vivian has to pick Jamie up. Vivian combs her fingers through Siobhan's hair content with her blonde laying on her chest. "Siobhan, I want to ask you something..." Vivian can feel Siobhan's body slightly tense up, but she tells her to go ahead and ask.

From her tone I think I know what this question is going to be about. I wish Roger would just disappear, but nothing is ever that simple. We haven't even made it to the hard part yet.

"Are you going to the police about Roger? You have a case against him. All your injuries!" Vivian's voice begins to break as she looks at the hurt woman laying on her. Siobhan takes in a breath, "Viv... he is a powerful man. Those tapes Mia had were going to be the proof we needed. Without those tapes... there is nothing we can do. He will get out of it if it's just my word against his."

"Bon, I'm going to protect you. You won't have to be near that monster. I will keep you safe." Siobhan looks up into Vivian's eyes pausing as she takes in the beautiful woman holding her. "Viv, you are who I have waited my whole life for. I'm so sorry that I hurt you the way I did. He found out that you took me to my follow up appointment and threatened you and Jamie. I couldn't let anything happen to you or Jamie. It would kill me! I had to push you away— I had to keep you safe. You are all I care about... you and Jamie.  That's why I said yes to him... that's why I'm wearing this stupid ring."

It hurts me that Roger used the threat of me to keep Siobhan trapped. I hate that she endured that deep mental torture. I know what that feels like... Chris used that tactic on me too.

I sit up next to Vivian on the bed. I pull my hand up looking at the ring. I reach with my other hand and take the ring off and throw it across the room. It felt so freeing. I know this will be a hard journey, but Vivian makes it all worth it.

I don't know where all this determination is coming from, but it's exhilarating! I'm determined to take back control in my life... I'm so tired of being scared! This is what real love does... it inspires you!

When I look at Vivian, her eyes are wide and she is smiling. I notice her eyes have a different glimmer to them than I have seen before. I think she noticed the confusion on my face because she starts to speak as she shyly looks down. "I know this is a serious moment, but that was hot..." She looks back up at me and I see her red face. "So you like it when I'm determined to get what I want huh?" I wink at her and that causes her to bite her lip.

"Hey Shibby... I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Siobhan rolls her eyes... she has had enough of the interruptions! She walks over to the redhead pushing her out the room, shuts the door and locks it. Mia stands there looking through the window wide eyed as she watches Siobhan pull the curtain closed.

Nope! I'm not having this... Vivian has ten minutes before she has to leave... I'm so sick of these interruptions! I want to feel her, kiss her without any reservations... without holding back.

Siobhan walks back over to the bed and straddles Vivian as she leans in connecting their lips. Vivian rests her hands on Siobhan's thighs while Siobhan tangles her hands in Vivian's hair. The world around them goes silent as they are lost in each other.

For once, I don't want to let the world get in the way. I fought hard for this moment—for her—and I'm not going to let anyone take that from me. Not this time.

I have never seen Siobhan like this before. She is determined to have these moments with me... I can't lie... that was a turn on... I'm glad she did that because I have wanted this uninterrupted time too...

They pull away from each other to catch their breath. Still trying to catch her breath Vivian says, "Um... Bon... wow!" Siobhan blushes and lays her head on Vivian's shoulder, "Baby... you weren't kidding about the interruptions were you!" Vivian lifts Siobhan carefully off her lap leaning in for one more soft kiss. "As much as I would like to stay here, I have to go get Jamie. Mia is here to stay with you tonight because I don't want you alone. Charlotte is coming soon when she finishes at the nursery. I will be at home with Jamie so call me if you need to."

Vivian walks out of the room, stopping to speak to Mia. "Sorry she pushed you out." She blushes and giggles.

Mia raises an eyebrow, smirking. "You may want to stop by the restroom and fix that hair," she teases, but her eyes flicker with a hint of concern as she turns toward Siobhan's room.

"Thanks, Mia. Keep her safe, and call me if you need to." Vivian calls out as she walks down the hall, her voice softening with worry.

"I didn't know you had that in you Shibby. You must really really like her." Siobhan rolled her eyes, but couldn't help blushing. She was surprised at herself, but Vivian just did something to her that she couldn't explain. "It's okay, Shibby! I get it! No hard feelings..."

Mia walks over to the bed as her facial expression turns serious. She asks Siobhan how she is doing. Siobhan tells her that she is doing better, but there is still some soreness. "Look, Mia, I know Charlotte will be here shortly, but we need to talk. The cartel has the videos right?" Mia looks at Siobhan with concern flashing across her face, "Yeah... why?"

"I think I have an idea of how to get them back. Roger has been cutting Bennie out of profits from the business he does for them. He has been lying about how much he is making off the drug sales. He has also been cutting it with other substances to make more sales. Bennie's very clear about his expectations of his product staying pure and his share of the money being paid."

"Siobhan, this is a dangerous game to be playing. Bennie can't be trusted anymore than Roger. Are you wanting to make a deal with Bennie for the tapes?"

I know it's a risk—a deal with Bennie could go sideways in a heartbeat. But Roger isn't leaving me any choice. If I don't act now, there may never be another chance. I'm done running.

Siobhan nods, "It might be our only chance."

Plus... it will be good for me to be on Bennie's good side so I can get my own supply when I need it...

For a split second, the familiar itch nags at me, the craving I've been trying to ignore. I push the thought aside, focusing on the plan, but I know it's still there, lurking in the background, waiting for its chance.

Mia knows this could backfire on them so she isn't so sure about this idea. "Before we make any moves, I think we should really discuss this with the rest of the group. You know as well as I do we can't approach this on a whim. We have to plan every detail."

Before Siobhan can respond, they hear a soft knock at the door. "Hey Siobhan! How are you feeling?" Charlotte smiles as she enters the room and sits on Mia's lap. Siobhan and Mia share a knowing look signaling this conversation will be finished later.

"Sweetheart... You will never guess what Siobhan did when I got here!" Siobhan glared at Mia, but also felt her cheeks blush. As Mia told Charlotte of the happenings earlier, Charlotte gasped and giggled— "wow Siobhan... you have changed!" 

Yes, Siobhan had always had an assertive side, but after all she has been through and her hesitation with others knowing about Vivian she was shocked at her boldness to finish what Mia walked in on.

Charlotte is right... I have changed. But I know now what I deserve—what real love feels like. I'm not giving up until I know I'm safe to enjoy it. To enjoy my life with Vivian, without the constant shadow of Roger hanging over me.

For the first time, I see a future without fear—but getting there is going to be the hard part.