Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 15: Beneath the Surface

TW: drug abuse, suicidal themes

Since Siobhan doesn't drive herself to the nursery anymore, she begins her mornings with a few Percocet. She stores a few in her Altoids tin for later. The only solace she had left, driving to work alone, was taken away from her. Roger wouldn't allow her to anymore since she couldn't behave herself.

I hate Roger. I want to be free from him, but there is no way that will ever happen. At least Vivian is safe from him though. I can medicate myself into feeling nothing and I will survive.

Siobhan walks into the office. Marjorie doesn't speak. She looks at Siobhan and sees emptiness. It's as if she is a robot and all she does is go straight from one task to another. Not even a small effort to connect in conversation.

I'm so scared for Siobhan. She doesn't even seem like a person anymore. There is no sense of emotion, the thing that makes us human. I have noticed that Siobhan hasn't been driving to work at all, Roger always dropping her off and picking her up. I wonder if she has a choice in the matter. All of this started the day after Vivian saw Siobhan's engagement ring. Charlotte told me how she watched Siobhan almost turn gray at Vivian's reaction. Siobhan deserves to be loved not controlled and beaten by a monster. We had just started to connect as friends and now she is completely unreachable. Charlotte and I could see the love that was growing in her for Vivian and, we knew she was happy.

Marjorie asks Siobhan to cover in the preschool room while Carly takes her lunch. Siobhan's heart begins to race knowing that she had taken some pills this morning. Nodding, she stands from her chair and leaves the room. Siobhan wasn't expecting to have to interact with children.

Entering the room, Siobhan's chest was heavy and palms sweating. Carly and Charlotte exchanged worried glances. "Carly, I'm here to cover you for lunch. "Carly placed her hand on Siobhan's shoulder, with a soft concerned expression, telling her thank you as she walked out the door. Siobhan flashed a half smile at Carly, appreciating her obvious concern.

Charlotte recognized the signs of a deteriorating mental state in Siobhan, which echoed her own experience during her separation. She sensed that something broke in her the day Vivian discovered she was engaged. She was just beginning to experience happiness, but now Siobhan appears to have given up.

I was there once, contemplating ending my life. I need to do something to help her so we don't lose her. As long as Siobhan is alive there's a chance to change her situation. Some of us will be meeting tonight to brainstorm ways to support her and find a way out. We can't let her slip away.

Charlotte brings her focus back to the children and the activity they were doing.

I really don't want to be working with the children. What if something happens to them because I'm not thinking clearly? It reminds me of a time when I was younger and using drugs. I was watching my cousin and didn't stop him from climbing the bookshelf. It fell on him. He was okay in the end, but if I hadn't been high, it might have been different. That memory haunts me, and I can't shake the fear of repeating my past mistakes.

But her thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice— Jamie. "Hey teacher Bon Bon, that's what my mom calls you," he said with a giggle. The darkness she felt clashed sharply with the lightness of his innocent laughter, sending a shiver down her spine. Her hesitance heightened knowing that Vivian's son was in her care.

Siobhan kept her group of children close with Charlotte's, wanting to avoid being alone with them. She knew that she had taken medication that could alter her judgment. However, she learned from her youth that she functions better than most under the influence.

Carly returned from her break. As Siobhan left, she took a detour to the staff room. All the lunches had been covered for the day and she was alone. She pulled out her Altoid tin and shuffled around to grab a couple Percocet. She knew she was taking a dangerous turn, but didn't care—at least not for herself. Just that short time with the loving children and concerned Charlotte and Carly had chipped away at darkness enveloping her. The pain of hope growing within her was almost unbearable, so she chose to numb it instead.

When Siobhan returned to the office, Marjorie looked up. As she sank into her chair, Siobhan let out a heavy sigh and stared blankly for a moment . "Siobhan, you alright, my love?" Marjorie asked, her voice soft and kind, cutting through the darkness pulling her under. Siobhan closed her eyes, feeling a tear stream down her face. "Yes Marjorie, I'm fine," she whispered as the truth lay just beneath the surface.