FILTHY || J.JK

55| Glass heart

Jungkook's POV

. . .

Making my way into the grocery store, I head straight to the cigarette aisle. Nothing seems to matter anymore, right and wrong, good and bad, all blur into insignificance.

Without giving it much thought, I grab a few packs of Marlboro and make my way to the counter.

"Sir, you're only allowed to purchase three packets at a time. We'll need to take one out," the cashier says, her voice indifferent as she removes one of the four packs. A sharp ache stirs in my chest as she takes it and sets it aside.

I pay for the three remaining packs and leave the shop, my mind already contemplating whether to head home or stop for a drink at the bar. My heart, as always, decides for me. I get into my car and slump into the driver's seat, staring blankly out of the window. Rain drizzles against the glass, casting blurred streaks down the surface. With nothing better to do, I pull a cigarette from the pack and light it, inhaling deeply.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be smoking so much, but my thoughts are too tangled to stop myself.

She hasn't left my mind for even a moment. Could this be love? It can't be. I don't know. I don't want it to be, not if it means hurting her.

Every time she pulls away from me, my heart aches, whether it's her silence, the way she dismisses my words, or the ignorance she showed earlier this evening.

None of this is what I had imagined. It's certainly not what I wanted.

And the worst part is, I can't undo the mistakes I've made. I've failed, failed at everything. If I could turn back time, I'd kiss her when I was sober, make sure she knew it was real, that nothing about that night was false. I'd be the man I should've been, telling her that she's the one who's been on my mind, the one who brightened my world. That she's the reason I started feeling alive again, feeling good for the first time in what feels like forever.

But now, there's nothing I can do. My heart is heavy with thoughts of her, and the pain of it keeps me awake night after night.

I love her. I miss her. I need her.

How am I supposed to tell her all this without feeling guilty about the things I've said before?

My mind snaps back to reality as the cigarette ashes fall onto my skin. I flick away the remnants of the blunt, which I hadn't even realised was nearly finished.

End of Jungkook's POV

. . .

"You sure you don't want to just stay in and not come over?" He asks as I pack my things, my little sweetheart following close behind, happily munching on her lollipop. "Yes. And remember, you promised to take me to the bakery near your house?"

He grabs my bag, which is ridiculously overstuffed considering it's just for a night. Smiling, he says, "Ah, right. The salty banana pie, wasn't it?"

"Exactly." I reach for my phone as it starts ringing, but the name on the caller ID instantly wipes the smile off my face.

"Go on, answer it. I'll get Haerin buckled up," he says gently. His kindness lingers in the air, but I hesitate, torn between declining the call and accepting it. "I don't want to hear his voice again," I mutter, more to myself than to anyone else.