FILTHY || J.JK

2| Lonely

10 AM

"That's it, the class is dismissed." The history teacher picks his stuffs up and gets ready to leave the classroom; the ringing bell telling us all that it's the most amazing part of the day for everyone, the break. But it's not anything special for me.

I'm a loner in school, during classes, and even during lunch break. So I don't feel the need to get happy or excited.

"Miss Kim, I'd appreciate if you could help me." Mister Cho suddenly calls me out to help him, so I head to him after I leave my bag after zipping it. I take his file and put the assignments inside it, glancing up at him to see what he's doing.

"Thank you, dear." He smiles endearingly towards me, runs his warm wrinkled hand over my head and picks up his laptop bag after I put everything inside it, including his laptop.

I smile without wanting to but since he's really a nice and kind teacher who understands me, I feel better with showing him some of the kindness that he shows with me too, "it's okay..." Mister Cho gets out of the classroom, bowing. I bow down and once he's gone, I sigh as I make my way back to my place.

Now I'm all I have, and this will stay this way till the end of the day. And tomorrow also, it'll repeat. I'm tired of it. It's getting out of hand, being like this, so distant and weird.

But it's good because no one can say or do anything which will hurt me.

Maybe I'm gaslighting myself but this is the only thing which will help me keep on living the boring and disgusting life I have, the one which is worthless to be called as a real life. The same thing will happen when I go back home, the scary thoughts and paranoid feelings don't ever leave me alone.

I just don't want to go back to that place I cannot even call as my home, it's not even a home in the first place.

Not sure, I don't want to think, because it'll only push me deeper into guilt. I just have to get habituated, initially.

Then maybe it will be less painful.

4 PM

"Hey!" She runs up to me and throws her arms around me, not even waiting for me to finish speaking. I laugh softly, unable to help but get emotional and feel so good with having Haerin close to me, safe and sound. I keep her warm and hug her too, "seems like you missed me too much today, did you, Haerin?"

"I did." She peeks up from my stomach, staring into my orbs with her innocent starry ones, I bend down to press a kiss on her crown, "I'm here now. Don't worry..."

It isn't looking good at how she gets worried and sad when I'm not around, this isn't something which should happen everytime. This is like what happens in the aftermath of losing everything and everyone in a fire breakout but having that one toy left with you which you adore the most before everything so you get even more attached to it.

This is painful to know what she's going through, after our mother died three years back, after our real father had left me and mom alone to die years ago, after everything we've been through while staying with our stepfather.

This is worst to see it all from her point of view. I can't even imagine how she endures it, she's only a baby.

"Cherry?" She touches my thigh but inches up when I had almost turned teary-eyed, lost in my head. I wipe my eyes and gaze down, "what's wrong, honey?" She pouts but plays with the edge of her dress, "I'm little hungry." Her whisper makes me weak, I smile and hold her small hand to warm it up, hating the coldness.