Silence is a woman's loudest cry.
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"Why won't you talk with us, Drau? I can't bear the silence anymore. It hurts here." Nakul told me pointing to his heart. I looked at the pot of rice. I needed water right now. "I do talk to you." I said. "No you don't, not like you used to. Do you know how much it is hurting us right now?" Anything I could say would only hurt you more. It's not that I don't want to talk, I don't know how to with you anymore. Is it my fault, maybe it is? You know I would never accuse you even if it was. I'm doing this to protect you. I'm scared healing will hurt. Please just give me time. Can't you see I'm trying? A million things I could've said. But I just couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to. I wanted to say I'm sorry, but I couldn't do that either. I looked at the expectant faces of my husbands as they looked at me.
I had to brace myself. I wasn't being selfish. I was protecting them from the bitterness that had seeped into me.
"Please Drau, We can't live like this forever. Be considerate towards us too." said Arjun.
Stop forcing me I wanted to scream but I didn't. I knew they were each punishing themselves and my silence was punishing them more. I didn't want to hurt them anymore than had hurt themselves. But when they continuosly pressed my rage flew out like a dam that had broke.
"Fie on Gandivadhari who couldn't protect me, fie on Dharmaraja, fie on the mighty strength of Bheema, fie on my husbands who didn't speak for me when they dishonoured me. I have lost all I had becuase of you. Why should I talk to you? I can't even see my sons because of you. Your folly. I want my life back. What wrong did I do to anybody? Fie on you all, If you choose to not do anything in the future trust me I will wage war along with my father, brother and my sons."I said and then wiped my eyes from which tears had escaped without my knowledge.
"Now, do you realise why I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry. I don't think I can stop loving you" my voice broke "but that doesn't mean I'm ready to forgive you yet. I said that day I would never forgive nor forget. I cursed myself that day. I made a vow and cursed myself. I cursed my ownself that day. Now I'm cursed for the rest of my life." I sobbed bending and falling, pulling my knees close to me.
"All I've learnt is to suffer in silence" I said, my voice a whisper that only I wouldv'e heard.
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"When the heart becomes to heavy with pain. People don't just cry they become silent. Completely silent."
"Every word has consequences. Every silence, too."
"Silence is beauty."
***
I'm not crying. You are.
This chapter was the most heartbreaking to write. I wanted to depict that Draupadi's pain on a much deeper level. This chapter is to all those who chose silence, to people whose hearts are covered in armor, who have built walls so high around themselves they don't know how to break them, to all those who suffer in silence. May we all find our way to healing. After all nothing tastes as good as healing.
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Draupadi
Fiksi Sejarah--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dharma was the cloth I held closest. I was draped in dharma. No one could ever take that from me. No amount of pu...
