Draupadi

CHAPTER LXIII

"There is something female about being dead"

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The moment I was born, I remember walking out the flames and a million faces caught my eyes. Dhri stood in front of me, and I remember him walking, this half-march half walk until he fell at father's feet. 

So this is my father, I had thought and walked down. Wind bellowed all around me and I could feel the fire still swirling inside me somewhere. It felt like magic. 

I had fell at father's feet and he had looked at me and smiled, crooked but yet somehow endearing "Welcome daughter" he had said and I think even then I could smell vengeance in the air- sharp, metallic and inevitable, but there was love too, tangled up with it like a braid. 

Dhri had held my hand and I had clutched on him so tight, I was sure I was hurting him, but he did not let go. He never did.

My father announced our names to the world and Shikhandhi had walked towards us eyes filled with regret and conviction, to Dhri she said "Our father is disappointed in me, so disappointed he decided he wanted a son." She then clicked her tongue, "You'll learn it's easy to disappoint our father." 

My father had scoffed but Shikhandhi turned to me, eyes softening and hardening at the same time and said "I'm your sister. Shikhandhi." I had nodded, eagerly, hands still clutched in Dhri's. 

That was my family. The way we became a family. Born not out of tender love but the aching need for vengeance.

My life flickers before me like fireflies, yet impossible to catch like falling raindrops.

 Dhri tugging on my hair and me glaring at him.

 Shikhandhi and Dhri fighting over who loved me more. 

Dhri promising me to protect me no matter what. No matter what.

Shikhandhi shrieking with laughter at Dhri's ideals, clutching her sides. Then suddenly becoming serious "Please, the world is far tougher than you'd like to believe little brother." Her eyes would then flash with pain, "The world will break you, it always does that to the finest and you must learn to piece yourself together." 

Dhri holding my hand. 

Shikhandhi braiding my hair and then leaving a sigh in satisfaction "So tight the world cannot undo it." I had nodded eager to please her.

Dhri and Shikhandhi practicing together, the sound of metal against metal so sharp. The duel would always end in a tie. 

Dhri and me and Shikhandhi standing side by side, foolishly believing that the three of us could conquer the world.

Watching father in court from the balconies with awe. Watching him murmur the name Drona over and over again in his sleep, Dhri's face would become taut, jaws drawn like string. 

Meeting Krishna, not knowing that this blue boy would change my life. 

The first time I had met him, I hadn't known it was him. I had met him when I was wandering in the night. He'd smiled at me like he could see through me, like he knew the very fabric of my being. Now I can see, looking back that there was pain in his eyes yet a smile on his mouth.

Him calling me "Sakhi", in that beseeching, teasing tone and I had called him "Sakha" and somehow that word became my world. A lifeline. 

Him teasing me and disappearing and appearing like magic. 

Suddenly I can see him beside me, everything else is a blur but I can see him. His eyes filled with love, looking they were dipped in galaxies. His skin so dark it appears to be blue, and then his trademark smile filled with mischief, slightly crooked. His hair falling in waves around him, the peacock feather in his hair fluttering in the wind.