"If there's one thing the god's love, It's tragedy with wings who burn and boys who fall."
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Before the next day's rise, the fourteenth day of war nithira devi abandons me, as she always has since the war started. My limbs feel heavy as I shuffle around the tent. I want to go to someone now. Hide in their arms, get a few moments of sleep and peace and then rise tommorrow morning stronger. But I cannot do that. Not now. I have to stay strong, remind everyone what we are fighting for. If I crumble, the war crumbles with me. I rake my hands through my untamed, long hair.
"Abhimanyu, Promise me you'll never ever leave me. Promise me. I love you to much to lose you." It's Uttara's voice. Her voice comes from the tent next to me. Her voice cracks at the end, a sound so pure and raw that it makes my heart ache with the weight of it.
"I won't. I promise. Don't you trust me dear." he says. "I'd be crazy to leave you and our child. But if war takes me awa-" his voice stops, and I imagine Uttara placing her hand on his mouth.
"don't Arya. Nothing could take you away from me. The gods aren't that cruel. And you've promised me." she says, her voice with such faith that it feel like a prayer. I can imagine her. Her melancholy eyes and her voice so hopeful, so faithful, so pretty.
I can imagine Abhimanyu smiling "I love you Uttara." he says, as if it's the only thing that matters in the world. I turn away sharply, guilt rising in me for having listened
A terrible thought grips me. What if this war takes them all? What if I lose them? Their love is too pure for the gods to let it survive the war. Fear like nothing I've experienced before takes root in me. Fear for my sons, for my warriors, for the blood that will be spilled in the name of power. Fear that one by one, they will be torn from me.
No. I can't think like that. I shake my head, trying to push away the panic that rises like a tide within me.
No, my sons will outlast this war. I will not lose them. I cannot lose them.
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"Abhimanyu has entered the chakravyuh."
Something awful like fear takes root in Subhadhra's eyes, and it spreads fastly to the woman around us.
"Where's Arjun?" I ask, trying to keep my voice steady and failing horribly. "The Rajkumar is off fighting in another side of the battlefield. He's fending off the trigartas." The messenger says and then he retreats. I turn to look at the woman around me, Subhadhra already looks grief-stricken. Uttara lets out a sob, and then she quickly wipes her eyes and goes and sits in a corner of the room, lacing her hands over her knees. We all know that no one—no one—enters the chakravyuh without a price.
And Abhimanyu... my Abhimanyu, so young, so brave. My heart lurches painfully in my chest as I think of him alone in that deadly formation. We wait. What choice do we have? The men are off fighting and the woman stay and wait.
Suddenly, a voice calls out from the door. The messenger returns, breathless. He looks at us, his eyes filled with a mixture of regret and urgency. "The Rajkumar is still alive, but the chakravyuh—"
My breath catches in my throat. I can't bear to hear more. But his next words come, almost as a whisper.
"He's trapped."
The word feels like a strike to my heart, sharper than any weapon. Trapped. How could he be trapped?
I pray, not knowing what else to do. Please. Please don't take him from me. Not yet. Not my son.
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They lay down the body. The body of my son, his corpse and I look at him wounded, scarred, dead. I slump to the floor. He's no more. Abhimanyu is no more. I burst into tears. Subhadhra painfully wails as she stares at her son's body.
I cannot breathe. I cannot think.
Uttara throws herself on him, uncaring of the child in her stomach. She touches him, her touch desperate and then she sobs and screams. And none of us not a single of us have the strength to console her, or pull her away, remind her of her child. My husbands stand defeated and crying, their heads bowed.
"You promised" she shouts. "You promised you wouldn't leave me. You said you'd always be there for me. Abhimanyu. Arya." she screams and clutches her hand at her mangalsutra. "You said you never break promises." She sobs and screams, and her eyes contort with pain. "Please wake up, Abhimanyu. Please Arya, for me, atleast for our child. Please." her hands frantically flying over his body.
We all sob. My Abhimanyu is no more. He's left us. My sons come near his body and they too sob quietly. How will I ever look at my sons without being reminded of Abhimanyu? How will I look at Uttara ever again? This isn't fair.
Arjun takes one glance at Abhimanyu and falls to the ground helpless. He too looks at him and cries. He then stands up "I let Jayadhrath go that day. This is my fault. This is the price I pay isn't it. If by tommorow I don't kill Jayadhrath I will burn myself. This is a vow." His voice is thunderous now, filled with fury, with rage, but also a deep, searing self-loathing. He walks away and Krishna follows him. Subhadhra goes and looks at her son, and her wails turn more and more heartbreaking.
I watch her, and I want to scream at the heavens. How much more? How much more must we lose?
Suddenly I'm reminded of Uttara's words last night. The gods aren't that cruel. My lips form a sardonic smile. Turns out they are.
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Abhimanyu's no more. How sad is that? Hope I did justice to their grief. I tried my best.
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Draupadi
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