Draupadi

CHAPTER LV

"I burned for so long so quiet

you must have wondered if I loved you back.

I did, I did, I do."

                                                                                    — Annelyse Gelman, The Pillowcase

                                                                                                                (from Everyone I Loved Is a Stranger)

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The monsoon has a cruel, beautiful habit of bringing back memories buried in the crevices of my soul.

 And tonight they are impossible to ignore.

Me and my husbands are sitting in our room, quietly each doing their own work. 

Earlier, we had gone to see Parikshit. We had all held him. He had wrapped his tiny fist around Sahadeva's finger. Bhima had cried when he smiled. 

And now we are back, in this familiar room, pretending life is simple again.

Yudhisthra is reading some scripture of sorts, his brow furrowed as always. Sahadeva and Nakula are writing down names of herbs and their properties. Bhima is stringing jasmine into garlands. I taught him how earlier today. He had been so eager to get it right, grinning when I praised him, his large fingers far gentler than people believe.

But tonight my eyes-foolish and insistent- only yearn for Arjuna, my first love. He is leaning on the door hinges of balcony, looking out at the rain.

 For a minute, I think that he is thinking of Subhadhra and my heart aches with jealousy, the image of a much younger Subhadhra and Arjun playing in the rain, his rough calloused hand wrapping around her delicate waist, settling itself in my mind. It still aches after all these years.

My feet move without permission and stop at the wall opposite to Arjun. He looks at me briefly and turns away. 

Like he always does. 

I want to scream at him for doing this to me. For not even asking me a word. Not even sparing me a proper glance. 

It is like our grievances have carved us away from each other. So far away. 

While Subhadhra's grief has caused them to lean into eachother, like even their pain fits perfectly and all I am left with is this screaming silence. 

I continue to stare at Arjuna letting my memories get the better of me. It is so easy to forget myself in memories of him like the earth forgets its cracks when the rain kisses it again.

I had just looked at Arjun's photo and realised he was the one for me. I only had a glimpse of his face and chose him. I spent nights dreaming to see that gorgeous smile, I wanted those lips to curve into a crescent because of me.

I remember garlanding him and that smile, oh that smile had wrecked me. To see it in a painting was one thing, to see it in my reality was a totally different thing. It broke through all my walls. 

He was giddy of winning the svayamvar. Happy to have won my hand by his skill. But only I knew that I had chosen him and not even fate could have intervened. 

I remember the slow nights after marriage. Pushing his reckless hair back, scoffing at his flattery while everything in me blushed, pressing my hands into his and getting thrilled at that feeling. 

He left for exile, and came back with Subhadhra. My love for him didn't change.

I always loved him, too much. 

It pains me to think of the times I had seeked him in every room I stepped into. The way my heart always raced when he smiled. 

On our first year together the first time I touched him I ran my hands over his lips, trying the memorize the feel and the curve of his lips. He had pulled me closer and I hit my head on his shoulder my hand still over his mouth. 

And when I think about it, I can still feel the curve of his mouth on my hands. 

It is insane a way a woman loves. Drunk and mad, left with nothing but yearning. No one can yearn the way a woman in love does.

It was never perfect. Our love was always interrupted—by duty, by war, by exile, by other women. But still, I clung to what was mine

There are a million memories beckoning to me. 

His hand running over my anklets, me telling him not to touch them. Him laughing and telling me he was in love with my ankles. I had glared at him my cheeks turning redder than the sindoor in my hair. 

A night full of stars, he had stared dreamily at them and I had only stared at him. Now I think, it should have been the other way around. He had turned to me pointing at something and I, like the lovesick fool I was, nodded hoping his gaze would stay at me for longer.

 He was just back from exile then. I wondered if he didn't miss me. But my longing for him took the better of me.

 He had turned to stare at the sky again but I held his cheeks in my hand, cupping his face trying to tell him how much I missed him, how my heart was in complete wreck sometimes. He had looked surprised and I without a word pressed my lips to his cheeks and then shyly to the corner of his mouth. 

Then without a word ran from the balcony towards our room, how could I think I could run away from him, the greatest archer of our realm. He had caught me his hands wrapping around me.

 We slept that night like that, his strong arms around me holding me. He slept within minutes, it took me hours to find sleep that night. 

And when I look at him, my heart breaks. Now that I think of it, he has always been the only one to break my heart. 

I stare at him, wondering why he holds me so far away when he holds Subhadhra so close. So close.

Why doesn't he remember how much love I had for him? How I yearned for him, the way a sailor yearns for land?

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Best chapter yet I believe!

I love the way yearning is potrayed. So proud of myself!

Please vote and comment, guys. If you don't, you guys have a heart of stone.