a new era of me

~mattheo~

~Mattheo Riddle~

~September 16th~

Yesterday was a load of fucking crap, I felt like a fucking asshole.  I couldn't sleep for shit.  Rosewoods words repeating over and over like a broken record, I was just trying to defend her and she was angry about it? I tried to fix a situation that I had been a part of maybe even the start of.

No, I knew for a fact that I started it, I started it out of jealousy. I knew for a fact that it was jealousy and that pissed me off. I felt jealous over the fact that there was a small possibility that there had almost been a chance that something could've went on between Enzo and Rosewood.

Keyword, small.

I had no reason to be jealous in the first place.

Yet I still went around meddling with her life like a dumbass. I needed to stay away from her, stay out of her life. Avoid her to my best ability, for my sanity and for hers. Merlin's beard, she's already gone mental. It Been like that for years so fuck me.

I couldn't face her, not this early.  Which was stupid of me to think, to say and to do, it was unlike me. I wanted to face her, I wanted to be near her and I wanted her. I fucking hated the fact that I wanted her, wanted something that I knew that I couldn't have. Something so far but so close at the same time.

I was hungry as fuck, maybe even famished who the fuck knew, but I couldn't go to breakfast. Not today not tomorrow, I don't know when. I just knew I couldn't see her anytime soon. Maybe I could go but I'd have to sit far, far away. I couldn't be near her, I fucked around and found out.

Like the dumb ass I am.

I needed a fucking smoke, or something to clear this obvious brain fog.

I hated this.

The smoking.

But it was one of the easier ways to clear and help with the stress, that wasn't through hormonal ways or physical violence.

Awesome coping skill.

Yay.

I took a long hot shower, then exited the bathroom into my room.  I changed into one of my jumpers and a pair of joggers.  I grabbed my drawing pad and a brand new pack of cigarettes.  I shoved both of the items into my jumpers pocket before slipping on a pair of shoes and making it out my door and into the corridors.

When I got to the astronomy tower, I drew.  I drew what I believed was a family portrait, what I wish I had. 

What I'll never get.

I drew for what felt like forever.  I stopped drawing and shoved the drawing pad back into my jumpers pocket.  I opened the new pack of cigarettes and lit the end up. 

As I held the cigarette to my mouth I heard steps coming up the stairs, I glanced over and as they reached the last step I saw who it was.

It was Rosewood.

I stayed in my place, leaned against the railing, with a cigarette between my fingers. I remained calm, I focused on the calming feeling that surrounded me.