a new era of me

~ease~

~Mattheo Riddle~

~October 7th~
~later that night~

The bed felt empty, cold. Was Adaline still there?  I didn't want to open my eyes, because then I'd be awake.  And aware of it all, I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to stay sleeping. I hesitated, but I slowly reached my hand over to her side of the bed, and felt around, she wasn't there.

I opened my eyes, and the view confirmed what I had thought, she had left. Which was confusing, because why would she leave me alone in her dorm? I sat up and rubbed my eyes until I saw stars dance around my eyes.  I didn't sleep all that well, nightmares had consumed my mind.

I was rather restless.

Sleeping grew harder, and more difficult each night. It was easier that night, but they were still there. The relentless darkness that consumed every inch of my mind. It was late, so where could she have gone at this time? I got up and couldn't find my discarded clothing that was once on the floor.

I looked around her room and my eyes landed on her desk, there laid my clothing. They were folded up neatly, she must have done that. I approached the desk and grabbed my clothes, I changed into them, I then grabbed her room key and walked out the door. I needed some fresh air, and I was sure that Adaline was doing the same thing. I walked past her common room sofas and soon exited the common room.

The silence was something that once reflected my state of mind. I didn't like how I once felt, I wasn't one about change. But this new routine was growing on me, and so was Adaline.

Especially Adaline.

I wasn't exactly hating it,  I couldn't tell if I was enjoying it either.  I rested in the middle of the two options, I roamed around and it was extremely boring. I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around the whole situation, the one where I let my guard down and slept in her bed, rather than fucking her. It didn't make that much sense to me, but in a way it did.

I wanted to succumb to the urges, the urges that pulled me to confess to Adaline.  To confess to what I had done, pulling a memory from her to 'protect' her, when in reality it was for my own selfish desires.  I was a problem child, I had always been that way.  I so desperately needed to be fixed, no one could do that for me.

I was a dickhead. 

I am a dickhead, there's a difference.

A big difference.

Fuck me, I needed a smoke, I also needed to take my ass back to bed.  It's best because I know I'll get into something foolish, and mess something, or someone up.  I went with the smoke.  It was a better idea anyway, or I could lie to myself to make me feel better.  I have that habit, it needs to be rid of, immediately.

Fuck, I was tired. My schedule in sleep, and the way I slept left me feeling utterly restless. I wasn't sure if I should go on my own... or ask Theo. Or Enzo.  Theo was actually thinking about quitting, he said it's what his mother would have wanted him to do.  No Theo, maybe Enzo? I'll figure this out.  Maybe I won't smoke at all, that would be best.

Besides I wouldn't want Adaline to come back and I'd be missing, that's not exactly right.  Thinking of all the things that I could do, none exactly fit into my agenda of nothingness.  Was exploring her room a little more, wrong?  It most likely was, but it's not like she'll know.  I've been sneaky, and I could do it again.