a new era of me

~those dreams~

~Adaline Rosewood~

~October 6th~

I woke up gross and sweaty, I had been waking up like that all week.

Disgusting.

It was '2:50 p.m', that's the time I woke up.

Well, I had actually woken up multiple times, but I was fully awake now. I needed to get my day started and get my shit together.

I hated waking up late.

On the bright side, I feel like today will be a great day.

Today was the day that Percy and I decided to have an almost 're-do', a cute little date in the courtyard.

Just us, no other people. Just us.

I felt just a bit overwhelmed. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was alright, I knew I wasn't.

I was guilty.

The facade that I kept up fooled Percy. Which was surprising.

Considering that he was supposed to know me best.

It had been a few days and I was a mess, it wasn't very pretty.  The guilt consumed me. I had cheated on my boyfriend and I hadn't told him immediately after. I stayed lying to him, this was wrong. He may have been bad with me here and there but he was my boyfriend. He was my first love.

I couldn't get it out of my head, the thing that happened between Mattheo and I. It felt so good, and I felt like I didn't do anything wrong. I hated that I liked it so much, that I wanted more, more from him.  It was so fucked up, I was so fucked up.  Was I becoming fucked in the head? Was being around Mattheo affecting my behavior?

Probably was.

He does that to people.

I didn't understand it, I couldn't.  This was too much for me.

To add onto that, I kept going back to the moment before he left me. He seemed so vulnerable, like something inside him was hurting. I was still a bit pissed off that he just left me like that, but I knew something was up with him. And I wanted to know what was wrong, if I did anything wrong.

It was getting too hard to bear, Percy and I were spending more, and more time together. While we were, I was daydreaming about getting railed by a guy that he hates. Horrible, but calming.

I'm going to pitch myself off the astronomy tower.

I hate that Mattheo had this strange.. hold, on me.  He was clearly unbothered by whatever the hell we were doing.  He was fine, I was losing it.  He seemed sane and fully there. 

We were running in circles, going over everything over and over, our actions and words on a constant loop.

It was absolutely fucking exhausting.

He was exhausting.

As I reflected, I put my mind on the fact that Percy planned a date in the courtyard.. I tried to mostly keep my mind on that. It put me as ease, it relaxed me. He said it was a picnic, that I should wear a dress and do my hair all pretty. He was still pissed about the short hair. He thought it looked stupid, I thought I looked pretty.