a new era of me

~rebound?~

~Adaline Rosewood~

~October 8th~

At this very moment, I really wanted to attach a comically large boulder to my ankle, and sink into the black lake then call it a day.  The things that went on between Mattheo and I, were nothing to make light of.. but I desperately needed to talk about it. He made me feel so vulnerable, and seen. I hated it, and yet I seemed to love it at the same time.  How was that possible? No clue. He held me throughout the night, I slept so well. I knew that was a risky, almost 'weak' moment for him as well, so I didn't want to bring it back up.  All of this felt so exposing.

My room was mostly quiet, except for the peaceful sounds of Mattheo's light breathing, and his occasional snore. He was lying on his side, his dark lashes casting a small shadow over his cheeks. Looking at him this way felt.. wrong. As if this sight in front of me was something that was not supposed to be visible to the naked eye.  We were messy, reckless, and we didn't know what we wanted.  It worked, in private, when it was just us. 

I sounded like a mad woman, which you know, at this point... I believe that I was getting to that point. 

We had one good moment and now I was talking total nonsense.  I know we got high together, which wasn't exactly a good moment. It felt right, a good moment.. we were at ease, and everything felt soothing. That was till I broke down in his arms, sobbing about name calling.  Truth is, I felt embarrassed.  He made me feel something that night, and even before that.  Reflecting back on that moment, he held me so deeply, he looked at me as if something in me was worth looking at. 

Last night, he looked at me the way all girls wanted to be looked at.  Being this.. vulnerable, weak, naive girl was tiring me.  I knew I was feeble minded, I just acted that way. At this very moment, I felt like a big whore. Pansy was right, and I hated that she was. She slept around, and I was being shamed. Clearly, I was aware that breaking up with Percy, and fucking Mattheo wasn't one of my best ideas.. but I wasn't fucking every man in sight. Maybe I needed to be single, so then I could slut around and prove those rumours right.

Have a fuck fest or some shit— not an orgy. I just mean, I deserve to fuck, everyone does it. How much Pansy is suddenly a prude? That's some hypocrisy right there— all of a sudden, Mattheo began to stir. He pulled the blanket further up his body, his eyes remained closed.. so he wasn't awake. 

A sigh escaped my lips, I needed to look at the bright side.  It was October, fall festivities were going to be starting.  I had the Halloween ball— gala, whatever the fuck.  To look forward to, the dress picking, the figuring out what the fuck the theme is.  And just the decorating in general. Holliday was something that sucked in the orphanage— and I now realise.. I've never really taken a moment to like think about it. I have repressed nearly all of it.

I won't talk about it, that was the past, we were in the present now. Me repressing things.. was something I should figure out. It didn't matter that much, but at the same time it did. It meant a lot to me, because it happened to me. The past was the past, and I have every right to want to forget about everything.

The only thing that mattered now, was the future.  Percy, he was now apart of my past, and it feels great.  Abruptly, pulling me from my thoughts, rapid knocking pounds down my door.  Which causes Mattheo to wake the fuck up.  We both sat up and I pushed him roughly, he nearly fell off the bed.  "Hide! Fucking— hide!" I whisper yelled.