a new era of me

~cycle~

~Mattheo Riddle~

~September 30th~

The kiss between Adaline and I.. confused me.  It fucked with my head and had me thinking things I shouldn't.

I wanted her so bad. 

I felt down bad. 

No, I was down bad.

I felt like a little boy just hitting puberty.

She pissed me off.

She just had a strong hold over me.  One that I wanted to break so bad.  She made me feel desperate, and that's not something that I'd ever like to admit.  I hated myself for wanting more from her.  For wanting her in general.

It was strange.  I had no one to talk to about this.  If I couldn't admit this to myself, why would I admit that to someone else.  I didn't trust myself around her.  She made me feel weak, weak and uncomfortable.  There were many feelings that I had to shut out.

She has a boyfriend for fucks sake. A boyfriend who was an asshole. But she still had a boyfriend, her having a boyfriend made it worse.

Because all I could think about was me making her feel better.  I felt like a fucking idiot.  In reality, I was an idiot.  What I was doing, what I was thinking, it was all wrong.

Besides her, quidditch was on my mind. Tomorrow was our first game.  I wanted to focus on quidditch but here she was.  In my mind, taking over my head.  Making me feel like an absolute mad man.  I was practically spiraling over her.

I wondered how she was doing, how was she 'coping' with all of this. Whatever this was. Was her head fucking with her too? Was she feeling what I was feeling? Fucked. I was going crazy, very crazy. Batshit crazy? Who knew. I really didn't know.

She was something. Something that I didn't abt to deal with. She was crazy, I was crazy. This shit was absolutely crazy. I didn't know what to do, I wanted her. I wanted her in a way that I shouldn't have wanted her.

I spent my day alone, drawing and icing out everyone. Drawing took my mind off of everything. It calmed me down, it was a good, a healthy coping skill.

Which was odd for a Riddle.

I stood up from my bed and set my drawing pad on my desk.

I undressed slowly, my body felt heavy. I pushed my bathroom door open and turned the shower on. I let the water warm up before entering. My mind was clouded, loud, it was always loud. But this time it felt louder, I didn't like that.

Who would?

The smell of smoky woods filled the air around me.  I let out a sigh and rested my head on the tile of my shower wall. 

She aroused me with her defiance, her hatred towards me. It was fucked up truly, who knew I'd get off on hatred.

My shower ended quickly, nearly lost it in there. I imagined her pretty lips wrapped around me in a not so friendly way.

I got dressed and made my way to a girls dorm. Didn't matter who, I'd prefer her but I can't have her. She's not mine.

Yet.