Fuck you (not) (an applemedia fanfic)

📺tv-man📺

I walk into my apartment, hearing choking noises.
What the fuck..
"Val? You home?"
I walk into our living room to see Lucifer holding val in a chokehold.
"Sign it and I'll be on my way fucker."
"Lucifer what the fuck!"
He looks up at me. "Oh. Give me a minute I'm here on business. Sign the fucking paper Val!"
Val shakingly signs it, lucifer letting go of him, holding the paper. "Thanks."
He gets up and heads toward the door and or course I follow. "What the hell are you doing here??"
"I'm sick of watching my friend suffer. I'm in a bad mood. So I made a stupid and impulsive choice to threaten Val."
"What friend? What does that have to do with him??"
"Angel dust. The one you fucking watch suffer every day and do nothing about! His soul is mine now. So do me and favor and keep that retarded fuck away from him."
I don't say anything more as I walk with him.
"I did try, to stop it. He wasn't always that way. The fame fucking got to him. And if you step in its your problem times ten."
"What are you talking about he's your friend."
"A friend doesn't throw tantrums and sexualize you on a daily basis. Angel would be dead if it weren't for me. Your friends would all be dead."
Silence.
"Why do you stay then."
"Because Als right. I'm powerless without the other vees. And velvette would be on my side but we can't just get rid of him. That's bad for publicity."
He rolls his eyes again.
"What??"
"Clout chaser." He mutters.
"Oh yeah? You're only popular because you were gods favorite. And fucked that up like you do everything else!"
"You don't even know me!"
"And you don't know me!"
...
"Then let's get to know each other."
"What??"
"You want him. I want him. He wants us. But we don't want eachother. So let's figure it out." He says.
"And how do you suppose we do that?"
"Mountain?"
"..fine."

                                          ...

He sits down against the tree, sitting criss cross like a toddler.
"So."
"Soo.."
I look down at the grass.
"What happened with lilith."
"Huh-?"
"Well all of hell has their theories, where she went, some blaming you. What actually happened?"
"She left like 8 years ago."
"8 years ago? Like Al did?" I look up at him.
"I-..I guess?"
"Why'd she leave?"
"Eh- relationship issues. She's not that perfect woman everyone thinks she is. She was pissed when she found out charlie wanted to run hell like me, instead of finding a man to be the heir while she remained the doll."
"Remained?"
"Force the family to be picture perfect. Charlie needed to be like her. Ribbons and bows and crap."
"So to put it bluntly she was a bitch."
He nods. "What about you. What's the deal with valentino."
"Eugh. He's a man baby. He cries daily and his only way to solve things is by fucking the problem or shooting it."
"Mm. What about velvette. She's quite the open book on live a hefty amount of her time. But you said she'd be on your side if you left."
"She and val fight constantly. And he's always fucking up her work."
"Mm. So hes also a bitch."
I nod.
We sit in silence for a moment.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"Really? I offered to push you off the mountain when you passed out." He mumbles.
"Was that for him or for you."
"Both?"
We look at each other, the silence ending in laughter.