Fuck you (not) (an applemedia fanfic)

📻radio demon📻

I set down a box, cutting the tape as I begin loading the items onto a shelf, rosie beside me doing the same.
"You're being incredibly quiet." Rosie says.
"Oh."
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah."
She stops, looking at me. "Are you really alright..?"
"No."
"Mhm. You wanna talk about it..?"
"I'm pretty sure my ASSHOLE shadow told Lucifer some details about how I talk about him. And how I don't talk about vox."
"Well whats the issue?"
"I don't talk about him because I'm not sure I even trust him."
"Oh.." she sits on the ground. "Sit with me,"
I sit beside her, resting my head against her shoulder.
She's truly the only friend I've trusted to speak to.
"What's got you feeling this way?"
"I don't know. He broke trust years ago..and now all of a sudden he wants it back..? I like him..I do..atleast I think I do..but I'm just..scared?"
"I get it. Have you spoke to them about it?"
"No."
"Honey I thought you promised you'd be more open."
"I will be..!..eventually.." I hug my legs, resting my head on my knees. "I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life."
"Well yeah..loves a scary thing. But that's good..you need to open your heart to the beauty of the world. Even if it's gonna hurt too."
I sigh.
"What if I can't learn to trust him. Then I'd just be hurting him."
"Well.. sure..but everything happens for a reason."

"Al? Rosie? Are you guys here?"
Lucifer? What is he doing here?
I get up and walk toward the front of the store.
"Al!"
He just..jumps into my arms..and hold me tight..
I don't think I hate this.
I hold him close, "what's wrong? Why have you come here?"
"Nothing's wrong with me. It's you we're worried about."
"We're?" I look up, seeing Vox walk into the shop.
He looks worried.
Is he really worried?
Or have I mixed up emotions.
I don't know.

Lucifers legs wrap around my waist, hugging me as his head rests on my shoulder.
He's incredibly clingy.
But I don't even mind it right now.
I rub his back, my eyes trailing back to Vox.
Do I be open about these feelings?
There's just some things you don't tell people.
Can't this be one of them?

                                         ...

I carry lucifer into our suite, setting him down on the bed.
He fell asleep on the way home which I knew would happen but it is almost five in the afternoon. He'll have to get up for dinner and he'll go back to bed as long as I'm right here.
Our king..the devil..and he's basically a child.
But I love him entirely..
I won't be saying that out loud.
That is HORRIFYING.

I sigh and sit beside him, he turns and sleepily locks his hand in mine.
He trusts vox.
So why can't I?
He hated the vees until he got to know them.
I mean he still hates valentino but who doesnt.
I take my hand back, standing up.
"Al.." he mumbles.
"Go back to sleep darling."
"Where are you going.."
"Just the balcony, I'm still right here.."
He rubs his eyes, sitting up. "I'll come.."

He's so..adorable..
"Okay.."
I take his hand and we head out to the balcony, standing against the railing.
"Are you ever gonna tell me what's wrong..?"
I look at him. "I don't know. I'm still thinking. But I won't take any actions without talking to you."
"But maybe I could help you if you'd tell me now.." he looks down at the city below us. "You promised you would."
"I just.." I swallow. "I'm still trying to find trust in Vox. I feel like things are moving fast and I don't even know if I can trust him."
"Well if you didn't trust him you wouldn't have left me alone with him. B'cuz even though you won't ever admit to it..you care. A lot. You'd keep an eye on him for my sake. And for charlies sake. But you work together with him and you guys don't argue when you need to get something done."
"It goes deeper than that, my little duck. Trusting him once and watching him break it..I know where I can trust him but I don't know if he's changed. Like..what if he just decides to snap at any moment and tries to kill one of us."
"Yeah but what if he doesn't. What if he really just loves you like I-..Charlie does-!"
I look at him, and he keeps his eyes down at the ground.
"The what if game is scary."
"Al you rip people into shreds for pure entertainment..emotions cannot be that scary."
"You don't get it."
"Then tell me so I can try."
...
I sit down, pulling him with me.
"Oh-!"
He straddles my upper legs, looking at me.
"I grew up in the early 1900's. Where woman had no rights and my father had raised me to be what was considered a man back then. Now obviously I grew older and learned he was just abusive..which you know..led to his murder. But I still kept to myself because he taught me right in that agenda. Obviously I'd never put my hands on a woman or child that's cruel. But I did find happiness in harming people. People like him. And then I died. And things became harder. To impress you really had to become a villian. A monster. And I was okay with becoming that. For the respect."
"I don't think you're a monster."
"I am. I've done things to people and hated how much of that man I saw in myself. But it only got worse..Niffty is the only soul I took in to care for. Every last one of them..male..female..child..they were all on purpose."
"Well why'd you take in niffty..?"
"I found her in a bar, running around getting herself in trouble. You know..trying to tidy up..she was stressed out by how untidy things were and I just..couldn't stand seeing all the sinners and imps growing frustrated with her. So I..made a deal woth her for her soul..so that I could keep her safe."
"See.. you saw someone in danger and you did what you knew you could to help them. No ones perfect..you're learning, right?"
"I guess."
He gives me a light smile, and I return one, pulling him closer.
He hugs me and I hug him back.
"You don't seem to loopy at all you know, you're doing better too."
"It was only a little nap." He mumbles.
"Yeah but, before you'd be yawning and starting a coffee pot right about now. You just got up, no problem."
"Hm..yeah.."
I rub his back.
"Al.."
He sits up and we lock eyes.
"I love you."
My heart stops for a moment, and I can feel my face heating up. "I..love you too."
He smiles softly, his hand resting on my cheek.
"Don't ever forget it."
He leans closer, resting his forehead against mine.

I don't think I've ever felt..so much..at all..