Fuck you (not) (an applemedia fanfic)

📺tv-man📺

I'm kind of getting used to Lucifer.
Which is odd.
But he's not that bad.
But he also just gave me a chance to be in bed with Al so..gotta hand that to him.

I travel through, teleporting from his phone.
"What in hell are you doing-?"
"Duck. Quack."
He holds one up toward my face.
"You're...really something."
He looks at his duck, his tongue poking out a bit.
"I helped god create these."
"That why theres a good million scattered around?"
"Ducks were the only creation god approved from me. I had many ideas but never were they granted."
"So, obsess to decrease the depress. Got it."
I sit down on his bed, looking at the balcony.
"Sleepy." He mumbles.
"Well, where's Al?"
"Why would I know, Vaggies been following me all day so I havent gotten a chance to see him. At all."
"What's her deal?"
"She's onto us but doesn't trust Al."
"I don't think anyone trusts him."
"Well..he did kind of do that to himself." He says.
I watch as he sets his duck down at the top of a pile.
He's gentle and precise about it as if theres not 100 other piles of random ducks laying around.
"Tired." He says, standing up and stretching.
"Mmm."
"I dunno what's taking him so long. He's usually the one pestering you about being late. Which you technically were but..he's REALLY late."
"Listen- I have a job that requires me to be on task completely. I don't stop moving through the day." I say, laying back on his bed.
"Well. I barely leave my bedroom." He climbs into the bed next to me, sitting criss cross.
"You act like a child."
"Nu uh."
"Lucifer..theres thousands of ducks scattered everywhere..you sit criss cross applesauce..and you have the attention span of a golden retriever."
"What the fuck is a golden retriever..?"
"..it's a dog.."
"Uhhh.."
I switch my screen to a picture of a golden retriever. "See?"
"Why does it have so much hair."
"How do you know what ducks are but not dogs."
"Stop judging me. Tv man." He yawns.
He's getting tired.
Fucking hell.

I lay back against a pillow, looking at him.
"Do you know what cats are atleast?"
"Yeah, Charlie has a cat."
"Not a hell-cat. A cat from earth."
"I've heard of them." He scoots closer. "Show me."
I change my screen to a picture of a cat.
"They don't look much different."
"They just don't have magic, that's more of a hell-heaven thing. Mortals survive without it."
"No magic is depressing." He says.
"Yeah. What about giraffes?"
"Jar-whats."
I laugh. "No, giraffe, super long necked animals."
"Never even heard of it."
I show him one on my screen.
He laughs a bit. "That thing is absurd..is this really what they've added to earth..?"
I nod, as he stretches a bit I gently pull him closer.
"What else do they have?"
"Octopus?" I add. "It lives in water, has like 8 legs and 3 hearts. And its tentacles have suction cups things,"
"That sounds gross." He mumbles.
"It is. Some people eat it."
"WHAT!" He sits up, looking at me.
"No, no, it's normal.." I rub his back, getting him to lay back down. "You like ducks, I bet you'd like penguins."
"You think..?"
"Mhm, they are pretty adorable."
He yawns. "Mm...yeah...."
I hear his breathe even out to small snores.
Still no sign of Al.
This idiot has left me with the king..knowing we don't get along and argue a whole bunch!
...
Wait a fucking second-..I haven't argued once with him since I got here...
Oh for fucks sake..
I'm kicking Al.