Love In Colour

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR : ROTTEN CHILDREN & GODLY PUNISHMENTS

Rotten children get punished by God.

Rotten children get punished by God.

Rotten children get punished by God.

Maybe, this is my punishment for the bad thoughts I've had about Montgomery and how I have imagined killing him in many different ways. I've entertained these thoughts, for my sanity, for my survival I had to –only thoughts, never put into action.

Rotten children get punished by God.

Rotten children don't deserve heaven.

I lay here numb as Montgomery slides in and out of me. I'm past the point of crying. I no longer plead for him to stop. I no longer fight back because none of that helps. Does God hear me when I pray? I try to be a good child. I don't want to be a rotten child. This punishment is my penance. I want to deserve heaven. I want to see heaven.

When I hear his grunts get louder and his breathing is heavier, I know it's almost done. I count down the seconds in my mind, till he is finished and gets off me. He collects his discarded clothes and looks at me as I close my legs, "Whore." he spits out at me before he lets himself out and disappears from my sight.

Another night endured. Another night of suffering.

But, that is what life is really....is not? Enduring till the suffering passes?

When will this one pass then? When will it be enough?

I get up on shaky legs and go to the bathroom so I can clean myself. Gather whatever dignity I have left.

Once back in bed, I slip inside the dirty sheets and look at the moon through the window.

"Please, save me," I utter lowly to a God that I hope hears me.

***

I begged.

I begged so hard to be believed.

A child shouldn't beg to be believed.

***

I open my eyes, feeling as heavy as I was before. The dark cloud consuming me. I feel a warmth behind me and I remember that Ben held me in his arms last night. When I shift to look at his face, find Grayson's face. He's soundly sleeping but has me in his embrace. I lay my face on his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat.

The soft thumping of his heart lulls all the chaos in my head and I am grateful. Even for a moment of silence. A moment later, I feel his warm hand on my back moving to and fro slowly. "You okay?"

I shake my head, "When did you get here?" my shift was to end at six in the morning. I have no idea what time it is, but I'm sure it's almost noon.

"A few hours ago." he softly replies.

We sit in silence, with me still listening to his heartbeat. "Thank you."

I feel him shift so I'm underneath him, his arms still wrapped around my torso. "You have nothing to thank me for. I will always be here for you. No matter what. Do you understand?"

The tears fill my eyes quickly and fall down my cheeks. He wipes the tears away with his thumb. That doesn't stop the waterworks, and my sniffles then turn into a sob, that has my entire body shaking. Gray pulls me closer to him and holds me. He holds me until the crying subsides. He holds me until I fall asleep.

I wake up to the smell of bacon. My eyes crack open and I see Gray walking towards the bed with a tray filled with food. My stomach rumbles at the sight of food. "Got you some food. You need to eat."

He sets the tray on the bed and I get a good look at what he brought. Toasted bread, eggs, and crispy bacon. There's a bowl of chopped mixed fruit and plain yogurt on the side. He hands me a cup filled with hot, steamy tea. I can tell it's passion fruit flavoured just from the scent.

"I need to brush my teeth," I mutter just as I am about to drink the tea. I carefully place the cup on the side table before going to the bathroom. I take a look at myself in the mirror and I honestly look horrible.

Dark circles under my eyes and a sunken look within my eyes. I look exactly how I feel on the inside. Like shit. I brush my teeth and wash my face. When I get back into the bedroom, Gray is sitting on the foot of the bed, his forearms braced on his thighs. He looks up at me with so much admiration it almost makes me cry again.

He moves to sit on the other side of the bed while I settle back within the covers and look at the lovely food he brought for me. "I'm not eating alone," I state.

"I've already eaten."

I look at the food and then back at him, "Please don't make me eat alone." I don't know if it's childhood trauma or something else but I have never liked eating alone. It feels wrong for me to eat alone when there's someone else without food in front of them.

Gray relents and reaches over to grab a piece of bacon. Pleased with this, I take a sip of the tea. We eat in silence and when I feel full, he takes the tray back to the kitchen.

"I saw my birth mother," I say to him the second he steps back into the room. I look up at his face, his eyebrows raised in shock and his jaw slightly open.

He makes his way to me and holds my hand. The gentle squeeze he gives me encourages me to continue. I let out a long breath, "It's weird. I was not prepared." I look up at his beautiful mismatched eyes, "Life is so unpredictable."

Of course, life unpredictability is something that I should have been used to by now. I have never known what would be around any corner I have encountered in my entire life...since birth.

I don't know why some part of me expected something different from all the other times. I just never catch a break. The rug is pulled from under me once again.

I nibble on a piece of toast, eating for the sake of eating. My tastebuds are not responsive and the food is tasteless. A hysterical laugh escapes my lips as I look at Grayson's concerned face, "Turns out the girl that came in with the gymnastics injury is my little sister." My voice breaks at the last word.

"Oh, sweetheart." Gray pulls me into his embrace with one arm while the other carefully moves the tray of food away. My shoulders shake from laughter and crying.

"I have a little sister." I have siblings. The thought makes me cry harder. All this time, the woman I longed to meet had lived a life and had more children. Did she ever look at Zoe and think of me? What about me? What about the child that she abandoned?

My heart continues to break and the tears continue to fall and Grayson holds me through it all.

The cries eventually stop and my tears dry. Grayson continues to hold me as if he is keeping me from falling into a million pieces. I appreciate that from him. We sit in silence, he runs his hand gently down my back and occasionally kisses the crown of my head.

A knock on the door pulls my gaze towards it as it opens, revealing Rhys and Ben. They both smile warmly at me, "Hey, are we interrupting?" Rhys asks.

I shake my head, "Not at all, come in." Ben sits on the foot of the bed while Rhys takes the armchair. "How are you feeling?"

Exhausted, slightly numb, angry and confused. "I'm feeling quite a lot of things at once and I don't even know how to deal with any of them." He nods in understanding.

"We're here for you." He assures me.

"Always." Ben reaches his hand out to hold mine.

I feel Grayson's lips on my temple, "Always." he softly whispers – and I am immediately assured that I have all the people I need in my life right here and now.