emotionally

20/07/15

i hate my family. there, i said it. i hate them so fucking much because they can't do anything right and they don't even fucking try. they don't. as soon as i stop talking and i stop eating, my mother says that someone on the internet is making me do it. as soon as my brother found out i self harmed, he began to call me an 'emo whore' and telling everybody i talked to about it. and then they have the fucking audacity to blame me for ending up like this. they fucking blame everyone but themselves, and god when i try to tell them it was their fault they begin to say how they've done everything for me. my mother begins to talk about how she puts a roof over my head and how she feeds me and how SHE'S the one suffering here.

well sorry mother but depression doesn't give a FLYING FUCK what you do. and i don't either. it was YOUR choice to have me and believe me, if i was given a choice in this, i would never have been born. because if i had never been born, then i wouldn't have to try again and again and again to pluck up the courage to even speak to you. yeah, okay. maybe i started this. maybe i was the one that stopped being your 'precious girl' when i was young. maybe i was the one that wanted to quite ballet and take up rugby instead, maybe i wanted to quit violin, cello and piano to take up electric guitar and drums. yeah, okay, i was the one who failed all my classes last year and the year before.

but there is so much more than you and whoever pays attention does not know. i keep up the most perfect barbie smile during the day. all you have to do is just pull my string and i'll crack a joke about someone/something. but little does your fickle brain know that i absolutely resent you. i resent you because you let my dad, my fucking dad, hit me when i was a baby just because i was crying when i was ill. i hate you for sending him away and then telling me to love him when he comes back every four years to say hi and get me a video game acting like that's okay to miss four years of birthday and christmas presents.

I H A T E YOU FOR ASKING ME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME AND WHY I FEEL SO FUCKING SHIT ALL THE TIME AND WHEN I DO TRY TO TELL YOU, YOU JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS AND ASK WHY AND NEVER UNDERSTAND. I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU AND AT EVERYONE ELSE. I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU TRY TO FORCE ME TO LIKE BOYS AND BRUSH THE FACT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BY YOUR EARS BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT YOUR LITTLE FUCKING PRECIOUS GIRL TO BE OUTSIDE THE NORM. YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THE FACT I FEEL LIKE A BOY SOMETIMES AND CONSTANTLY, FUCKING CONSTANTLY, PRATTLE ON ABOUT MY FUTURE TO ME.

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT MY FUTURE. FUCK THE FUTURE. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I DON'T. I'M TOO SAD TO CARE, TOO SAD TO EVEN GET OUT OF BED SOMETIMES. AND THEN YOU GO AHEAD AND SAY I'M TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS BETWEEN THE FAMILY AND I WANT ATTENTION. WELL FUCKING NEWSFLASH, I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING YOU SAY. I HEAR YOU ON THE PHONE TO YOUR FRIEND TALKING ABOUT HOW I FAILED YOU AND WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT I TURNED OUT TO BE, TRUST ME. I HEAR EVERYTHING. I HEAR MY BROTHER TALK ABOUT HOW I HAVE ANGER ISSUES, AND YEAH. MAYBE I DO. MAYBE I DO DREAM ABOUT MURDERING YOU ALL SOMETIMES AND IT BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE. GUESS I AM JUST FUCKING INSANE, BUT THAT'S GREAT ISN'T IT? YOU'D RATHER I BE INSANE AND LISTEN TO YOUR EVERY COMMAND AND GET TOP MARKS IN EVERYTHING, BECAUSE FUCK MENTAL HEALTH, RIGHT? MENTAL HEALTH WON'T PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE, MENTAL HEALTH WON'T PAY THE BILLS.

SO YEAH, THE INTERNET REALLY FUCKED ME UP BY TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING DURING THE DAYS LEADING TO MY SUICIDE. THE INTERNET TOTALLY FUCKED ME UP BY ACCEPTING ME FOR WHO I AM INSTEAD OF WHO EVERYONE WANTS ME TO BE. THESE T.V. SHOWS REALLY DID SCREW WITH MY BRAIN BY MAKING ME LAUGH AT THINGS I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW COULD BE FUNNY (LIKE BEING THE LEADER OF A GOVERNMENT BRANCH OR HUNTING DOWN DEMONS). I GUESS THE MUSIC I LISTEN TO FUCKED WITH MY BRAIN BECAUSE I BECOME CALM WHEN I LISTEN TO THE HEAVY BEATING OF DRUMS AND THE SHREDDING OF A GUITAR. YES MOTHER, YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT. YOUR WORD IS THE WORD OF GOD. ACTUALLY, SCREW GOD. YOU ARE GOD, YOUR WORD IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY? BECAUSE I SWEAR TO HELL AND BACK I WILL FUCKING SAY THOSE WORDS BEFORE I DIE, I SWEAR TO LUCIFER I WILL.