emotionally

23/08/15 [ 23:21 ]

i don't understand how you could be so blind. i mean, i might be the one wearing glasses but at least i can fucking see. babe, you have working eyes but you're only looking at things. i don't think you want to see things, i think it scares you. and yeah, you might act like a person who couldn't give a shit about anything, but you don't fool me.

i really want to try to keep my anger or whatever fucking emotion in me contained in this stupid part. i know you're not in love with me, but don't fucking say 'i love you' to me until you are. i'm okay if you never say it to me because not hearing it is a lot better than you telling me those stupid three words when they don't mean what i want them to mean.

and yeah, okay. you can tell me that you don't think i'm in love with you too, whatever makes you happy i guess. but know that it's not the fucking truth. you can accuse me of cheating on you or whatever, but know that i'm a lot more afraid of you cheating on me with your ex. even i know that once you fall in love, it's hard to fall back out again. i know you say you don't love her anymore, but it's easier to say words than feel them.

ugh i hate this so much. i hate myself, i hate your ex for giving you trust issues and for making you feel like shit sometimes. i hate feeling like this all the time, i just hate it. and i'm probably never going to publish this, even though i said i'd post my feelings in here. just fucking know i'm not publishing it for you, i'm doing it for me. i don't want to read an entry in your fucking book talking about how much you 'really, really like me' and how i actually mean a shit. i don't want you or anyone else to think that this is a guilt trip, and i don't want a fucking essay about whats going on with you.

you know what? i'm going to publish this when you start feeling the words you say, instead of just saying them. i guess that means this chapter will never be published and i'm okay with that.