i realised how much i hate myself today.
i realised that i've been lying to myself about everything. the reason i cut, the reason i dont speak very much, the reason i like to pretend that people actually like me.
i fucking hate myself so much.
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i
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i HATE MYSELF I AM SO FUCKING DISGUSTING. IM NOT BEAUTIFUL, IM NOT NICE. THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE THAT ARE BETTER THAN ME AND ITS SO SHIT THAT I THINK THATS EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD. I AM SO UGLY I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. IM SO FUCKING FAT I DONT WANT TO EAT ANYMORE ITS JUST SO FUCKING HORRIBLE. ITS NOT FAIR.
ITS NOT FAIR THAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE BORN WITH SUCH BEAUTIFUL TALENTS AND PERSONALITIES AND I WAS BORN WITH NOTHING BUT THIS FEELING OF SHIT CRASHING DOWN ON ME. IM AWFUL.
IM AWFUL BECAUSE EVERYONE THATS EVER LOVED ME HAS LEFT ME. I AM ALONE. I HAVE NOBODY ANYMORE BECAUSE I AM FILTH. AND I GUESS ITS IRONIC THAT I THINK OTHER PEOPLE AS SHIT WHEN I AM PART OF THEM. ITS IRONIC THAT I THINK OF THIS WORLD AS THE MOST DISGUSTING PLACE IN THE WORLD, AND YET, IT IS THE ONLY PLACE FOR ME. I DONT DESERVE HAPPINESS, I DONT DESERVE LOVE.
I DESERVE BLOOD SEEPING OUT OF MY ARM, PEOPLE TALKING SHIT BEHIND MY BACK. OH GOD DO I DESERVE LIKING SOMEONE AND REALISING THEY DONT WANT ME, THEY WANT A BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH A SCAR LESS BODY AND A FACE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ALL THE CONSTELLATIONS AND STARS IN THE SKY. HAHA I CANT BELIEVE I THOUGHT I WAS OKAY BECAUSE IM NOT
IM SHIT
IM SO SHIT GOD HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? THERE ARENT ENOUGH WORDS IN THE DICTIONARY, WORDS INVENTED BY MAN OR GODS ALIKE TO EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW TERRIBLE I AM
AND I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVED AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN BUT BY GOD I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS
I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Não Ficçãobasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
