i feel so useless right now. wow, how blunt was that. honestly, i just feel really fucking useless and it sucks ass. i'm watching someone, someone i think i'm in love with, feel so fucking sad and i can't do anything about it. i would give my arms and legs to ANYONE so she doesn't feel like this, because it's how i feel only i haven't gotten the recovery i needed. and it's so fucking sad that i have to watch her feel all these things and feel worthless and feel unloved when i can be there for her but i'm scared to. i'm really fucking frightened to be and that's why i hate myself so much.
it's every night . . . EVERY FUCKING NIGHT THAT I STARE AT MY CEILING AND SAY TO MYSELF: 'OKAY, THIS IS THE DAY YOU'LL TELL HER YOU'RE THERE FOR HER. TELL HER YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER AND THAT YOU DON'T WANT THIS ALL TO BE A JOKE ANYMORE, EVEN IF YOU LOOSE HER.'
AND I NEVER DO. I NEVER FUCKING TELL ANYONE ANYTHING. I'M A COWARD AND I'M SCARED. IF SHE DIES, IF SHE FUCKING DIES, IT'S MY FAULT. IT'S ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE I K N O W HOW SHE FEELS AND I'M TOO SCARED TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'M SCARED BECAUSE SHE'S HURTING AND IT'S HURTING ME, AND IF I HURT, IT'LL HURT EVERYONE I KNOW. BUT EVERYWHERE HURTS ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I WANT IT TO STOP. I HATE THE FEELING OF KNOWING I'M ALIVE AND I HATE KNOWING THAT THE ONLY THING THAT NUMBS ME IS VODKA.
SHE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE THAN ME, SHE DOES. SHE DESERVES THE GIRL SHE'S STILL PROBABLY IN LOVE WITH AND THE ONE THAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND EUPHORIC AND ALL THINGS NICE. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE SOMEONE WHO FAKES EVERYTHING WHILE PLANNING OUT A FUCKING SUICIDE BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. AND SHE'S PROBABLY READING THIS AND GOING 'WELL FUCK' BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS WITH SOMEONE THAT'S FUCKING UGLY INSIDE AND OUT. YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR ME AND I DO REALLY LOVE YOU. AND I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. I'M SO FUCKING SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE TO HURT YOU AND MAKE YOU UPSET.
I'M SO GOD DAMN SORRY.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
