I'VE HONESTLY BEEN SLIPPING AWAY FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND I HAVEN'T TALKED TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT IF I DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT, IT WOULD GO AWAY BUT IT DIDN'T. IT'S BEEN GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE TILL NOW I CAN BARELY GET OUT OF BED AND HARDLY HAVE A SHOWER AND I JUST WANT TO SLEEP ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
THAT'S WHY I CALL PEOPLE NAMES BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET SOME OF MY FEELINGS OUT. AND TODAY ONE OF MY FRIENDS CAME SO CLOSE TO FINDING OUT THE SHITTINESS I'M GOING THROUGH BY TELLING ME I CARE. I. DON'T. CARE. ABOUT ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY IT MADE ME SHUT DOWN INSIDE AND STAY SILENT FOR THE REST OF THE LESSON, BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T HURT, RIGHT?
BUT IT DID. IT HURT SO BAD. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS ANALYZE EVERYTHING TOO MUCH AND I ALWAYS CONVINCE MYSELF THAT IT'S WORST CASE SCENARIO JUST SO I WON'T GET HURT. I CONVINCE MYSELF THAT YES, SHE'S CHEATING. YES, YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL. YES, NOBODY FUCKING LIKES YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A PILE OF SHIT. PURE SHIT. AND IT DOES WORK. EVERYTHING HURTS A LOT LESS . . . BUT IT STILL HURTS.
AND I KNOW I BRAG ABOUT HOW I'M AMAZING WITH TRIGGERS BUT I'M NOT AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT I WAS. IT WAS ONE SONG, ONE FUCKING SONG THAT I ACCIDENTALLY LISTENED TO AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING SNAPPED BACK INTO 2013 AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THEN.
OH DEAR GOD WERE THE MEMORIES PAINFUL. BUT THE FEELINGS THAT CAME WITH THEM WERE SO MUCH WORSE.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
