emotionally

07/04/17 [ 20:13 ]

i've been thinking a lot lately. i've been in the middle of smoking a cigarette and stopping for a split second and allowing the thought of: "how the fuck did i become like this" cross my mind. i've been laying awake at night wondering about the people in my past and the people in my present and god fucking damn the present. memories are okay, i can deal with them. i can block them out, i can look back on them with tears in my eyes because - let's be real - all my memories now want to make me cry.

but the future. the future is something i can't control and i hate it. i hate not knowing what will happen tomorrow because god fucking damn if i knew what would've happened last year i would've done everything in my power to stop it.

the past is filled with regrets for me. regrets and death and sadness and people i've lost who i still think about to this day. people who probably don't think about me for a split second anymore. oh jesus i spend my nights and my days thinking about them. i think about our memories together, what happened between us and

and i'm sorry. sorry doesn't make it better. sorry doesn't take back the way i was to you, the shit i said to you, the way i made you feel. but for the record, i am sorry. if i had the chance now i would change it all, i would do everything differently. but that's the problem. i had the chance and i fucked it up so bad and it sucks because i honestly do think you were the love of my life. thats fucked up ahaha.

whenever i see vodka and orange juice, i think of you. whenever i see the stars from a rooftop, i think of you. it's strange, i know. i want to forget, i do but honestly i haven't felt that way about anybody before. and it's sad the way shit worked out between us but everything happens for a reason.

i just wish this had a better reason.

and i wish people got second chances. god fucking damn i do.