i think its funny how one second you can have everything and the next you can have nothing.
i've been thinking about that a lot; about my choices, about the people i've wronged and the people i've used. i've been thinking about why i'm here, why it had to be me born into this shithole we call earth. i've been thinking about the meaning of life and cliche shit like that. i've been thinking about why i can't sleep at night; why i feel so guilty. and theres just one thing wrong with this. i've been thinking.
i've decided i don't want to die with all this weighing on me. i want to say sorry to everyone i've upset, to apologise for being an asshole. i want to make sure that i leave everyone on their good side, because i don't want to become a ghost of bad things for them. i want them to think about me and smile, even if it is a sneer. it's dumb, i know, but i just want it.
i've fallen in love with someone and i want them to know it but i can't for the life of me tell them. i want to tell them before i go, to read them poetry and make beautiful pictures out of words; but it won't end up like that. it will end up like everything i've ever done in my life: a mistake made drunk or high.
i've been thinking about death a lot.
i've been thinking about what it'll feel like. about whether or not there is a heaven or a hell; and if so, what will hell be like? i've been thinking of the method, the time, the place. i've been thinking about how, before this, i would always write my plans with shaking hands, tears running down my face. but now, when i pick up the pen, my hands are steady.
i don't feel anything, but it's not suffocating like it usually is.
i just feel content.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
