it's two am and this is the second night i've gone without sleep.
it's not the usual sadness that's keeping me awake though, because i know how to deal with that. i know how to push it to one side so i can return back into a dormant state; that to me is the closest i'll get knowing what heroin feels like.
no, this is something else and i don't really know what. i just keep thinking about people and i keep remembering things and i want it to stop. i don't want to remember that time when i was five, having my mum push me on a swing set in the park while my brother toddled around her. i don't want to remember her buying us ice cream after and hugging me and kissing me and telling me she loves me i dont want it i dont fucking want it
because i know she loves me, really fucking deep down, even now after i've done so much shit. i know she does. but she never says it, she never really says anything to me except insults and harsh words, and it's the exact same for me.
except i don't love any of them. some part of me wishes i did, just so i could be that normal kid who loves their family ect, but i just look at them and see people. and it makes me feel so fucking guilty because i know they're bending over backwards to help me and sacrificing so much shit and fucking their lives up for me (as they so kindly remind me in fits of anger as they go on about how i'm fucking everything up).
i just had to get this off my chest ugh, hopefully i can sleep now
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
