there are moments when i'm lying down and listening to tfb and i'm thinking about stuff and i suddenly realize something about someone and i clench my fist so my nails dig into my palm because it's too late to punch anything. and the only reason i punch things is because i enjoy my fingers feeling like they're breaking and thats probably soso bad but i'd rather have bruises than scars and i think that goes for most people
you know what else? it's so terrible that i dont really tell anyone about this and i don't think i will (hence this unpublished part) and it's SO fucking terrible because i literally don't do anything to stop it anymore?? like before i used to do breathing exercises and i used to try to distract myself but all i do now is keep digging deeper and deeper into the thought because i haven't felt angry in so long i'm beginning to enjoy the feeling again and
I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO SCREAM AT AND SOMETHING TO HIT BECAUSE I'VE GOT SO MUCH ANGER IN MY NOW THAT I JUST WANT TO BREAK OFF MY FRIENDSHIPS WITH EVERYONE AND I WANT TO SCREAM AT ALL OF YOU BECAUSE NONE OF YOU LET ME BE ANYTHING BUT HAPPY SO FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL BECAUSE IM HUMAN AND I'M ALLOWED TO NOT FEEL HAPPY ONCE IN A WHILE AND I'M ALLOWED TO FEEL ANGER AND ANXIETY AND I'M ALLOWED TO TAKE IT OUT ON WHOEVER I WANT BECAUSE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE ALL DONE SOMETHING TO DESERVE IT
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M ??????? ITS SO?????? I AM SO ANGRY???? AND I HAVE BEEN FOR AGES FOR FUCKING AGES????? BUT I'VE KEPT BURYING IT AND IT KEEPS COMING UP AND I LITERALLY ???? ITS SO DISGUSTING AND SO VILE AND I FUCKING LOVE IT. I LOVE THE FEELING OF BRUISED KNUCKLES AND I LOVE THE LOOK OF MY BLEEDING HANDS AND JESUS I LOVE THE FEELING OF WRITING BACK TO YOU WITH SHAKING HANDS AND SAYING I'M FINE AS I WATCH BRUISES FORM BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE TO AND THAT IS THE ONE THOUGHT THAT GIVES ME PEACE.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
