have you ever felt like . . . like your chest was just being crushed by something really heavy. have you ever felt your brain get so full it feels like your skull is about to burst open? have you ever seen or heard something so awful, so . . . so fucking disgusting and terrible that you go and you throw up into a public restroom and you sit there, next to your sick and you start crying?
not normal crying though. there is this pain inside of you that the only way to stop yourself from going crazy because of it is to just start screaming and screaming and screaming in the hopes it would block everything out?
have you ever loved someone so much; given them everything, laid yourself bare for them to see and then been left alone? it's like suddenly, everything they helped you stay away from, everything they helped you get through comes back three times as worse because you forgot how awful it felt.
and no matter how hard you scream, how hard you cry, how fucking deep you cut yourself and however long you spend in the shower with the water ice cold it doesn't go away.
it stays there like an infected cut that worsens each day, the pain getting unbearable as the months go on. it's all you can think about, day and night. it haunts every simple thing you do till the thought gets so bad you cannot even find the courage to take a shower because why does it matter anyway? who cares if you shower or not?
who cares if your arms are lined with cuts again? who cares if the only time you feel happy is when you're asleep or thinking of heroin? who is fucking left to care when you're planning your death. again. for the fifth summer in a row. who cares? i sure as shit don't.
i am so tired of putting all of my love and my happiness into people who will take it and fucking go. i am tired of pretending i am better and pretending all i have are scars of what i once felt. and . . . and i am tired of waiting for someone to . . . to properly love me.
i'm tired of writing letters to people i love; i'm tired of collecting painkillers in the hopes that one day, i will have enough. i am tired of going back to where i started each time summer rolls around, knowing . . . just fucking knowing that it will never get better. i will never be okay.
i don't know what self love is, i don't know what being properly, permanently happy is like. and i'm tired of it. i try to be good and to be kind and to be loving but what's the fucking point if it doesn't help me? because nobody tries to help me. and it sucks.
it just . . . sucks.
YOU ARE READING
emotionally
Non-Fictionbasically a book where i write down how i'm feeling, throw in some really shitty poetry here and there and maybe a few songs for the hell of it. [ trigger warning ]
