emotionally

03/04/15 [ 00:00 ]

as much as i would love to believe in happy endings, i know that it's all bullshit. i know that as i sit on the floor of my bedroom, coated with darkness and another sleepless night, that some people get happy endings and some people don't. the people that don't get happy endings, they. . . well they look for one. i thought i found my happy ending when i took that first pill, because for once i could see rainbows and dragons. i thought i found my happy ending with that white powder that made me feel more confident about myself. but those weren't my endings. . . i was an idiot to think that. they were my addictions and they weren't happy.

then i found a new addiction and it was so much better. i found a bottle of vodka and the headaches that came with it. and this all started with my first addiction. her. i was fucking addicted to her. she intoxicated me with her words and her smile and every thing about her was so fucking addicting and when she went i had withdrawal symptoms in the form of sleepless nights and fist-fulls of hair being pulled out in a wave of fury.

and then i found her, not too long ago. she was my most recent addiction and she left today. she told me that i wasn't good enough for her and god almighty i knew i wasn't. i fucking knew i wasn't good enough for her because she deserved the universe and i was only a star. who cares about stars though? there are millions of them so what difference would it make if one died? because there will always be better stars to take the dead one's place.

[ this is an entry for one of my private books, which was basically going to be one massive suicide letter. i thought i'd post some more . . . toned down entries into this book and maybe even eventually publish that one (probably not though). oh, the song up there is called 'Sun - Sleeping at Last' and i really like it at the moment, i dunno why. ]