Tears made of Sun (Emblem3)

Chapter 1 - Pointless

Nobody will notice. They will just judge me for being too weak to fight it and then quickly move on to their more important lives. But do they know how to fight it themselves? CAN THEY GIVE A SOLUTION? This thing, this monstrous, disgusting slime taking over your soul... it silently kills you. It builds walls you can't climb and paints all your surroundings BLACK -the color of your everyday life, and slowly the color of your darkening character. Then we become different from those with fancy cars, expensive houses, whose main life problems include the number of calories they gained. And then we feel alone. But we're not. If we are fortunate enough - if we can try at least for a while to be strong enough- to look above these walls around us, there is a world full of misery. People dying, crying of pain, SUFFERING daily and still so many still manage to smile at bus drivers, cashiers and passersby strangers with their own problems.

What the hell is the point of trying all the time when there is so much misery? I certainly can't find the answer and I'm too exhausted to go around smiling. But something yet pulls me. As much as I want to reach the end, to end the everlasting pain and disappointment- something holds me back.

Maybe because I know. I know what comes after. Then I will be the villain of the story because of the pain I caused. So every night I close my eyes, I see my mother and sister mourning, screaming my name and I'm not going to be there to hold her hand this time. I see my dad, and I know that then it will be too late to make him proud. I'll be another wound in his heart, I'll be the reason for his tears and I can't let myself murder his happiness. What have they ever done to me? But won't they excuse me? Haven't they ever been through such pain? No! It's my dad that wakes up every morning thanking God for his precious life, reminding me the ultimate virtue of people: optimism.

HOW can you be optimistic at this point?? Forget your past? Forget the ones you loved that abandoned you? Forget your pain, pretend life is perfect? Even trying to be optimistic hurts; looking at others smiling at life- PRETENDERS. Or rather, inexperienced souls that think life is all bubbly and fun because YOLO. YOLO? Have they not lost people they loved and couldn't live without? Have they never been soul-stabbed? I can't be the only one in so much pain so how come I feel like I am?

And still, there was something grabbing me tight for 'dear life', something not yet allowing me to let go. So for now I wondered and cried alone in my sunlit apartment. The only sound were the echoes of my painful cries. There was something peaceful about crying alone. Finally I was independent now, my own empty apartment; my sacred crying playground. I pant tiredly, feeling at my swollen eyes. Looking around at the bare sofa and kitchen table I notice the time in the kitchen clock. Shit.

My knees crack a dozen times as I walk to the door. I catch a quick glimpse at the mirror and horrified  with the sight that greets me, I pull a band around my hair and tie it in a bun and grab my dark sunglasses to cover the circles under my eyes.  As I walk out an intense smell of smoke reaches my nose and I go down the stairs a little slower than usual. If I'm lucky enough this building might burn in the next 45 seconds. Disappointed, I open the building door and slip out in the spring breeze. Spring. Seven painful, lonely months have gone by, and somehow I'm still here. As so were all these people walking along the sidewalk who had their own crosses to bear, their own wounds to heal- or at least learn to live with. I was nothing more but another hurt face in a sea with millions of those. Still I felt so alone - it seemed like there were much better reasons to stop coping, felt sometimes as if I was being ungrateful but it's not something you can help. It just makes you feel useless and finds new corners of your heart to tear apart.