Tears made of Sun (Emblem3)

Chapter 11 - Adrenaline

The whole drive to his place was dead silent. He had put the radio on and we were both listening, drowned in our different thoughts. Desperate about what I would do with my life, I had to turn my head to the window a couple of times to hide the tears I couldn't control. He noticed the second time, and grabbed my hand, rubbing my thumb. He kept on for the next twenty minutes and I was feeling somewhat calmer. As we were reaching his place, I unconsciously started singing the lyrics of the song playing. I hadn't noticed, until he turned to me, surprised, as the song finally finished.

"I didn't know you listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers!".

There is a lot you don't know about me Wes, and that's because you know me for  barely four days.

I nodded uncomfortably, as my mind  drifted off to the first time we had met in the elevator. SHIT. MY WORK.

"Wes! I have work today!". My eyes widened, how could I be so ignorant about my income??

He laughed briefly, "I passed by and asked them to give you a week off, chill!". Confused, I stared down to our hands, holding on to each other. I would complain about the fact that I had just started working there, and a week off would not make a good impression but I couldn't ignore how sweet he was for doing such a thing for me.. which also meant he remembered where we met, the exact place. We turned into his driveway, and no other car was parked so I figured the house was empty. Locking the car, he searched in his pockets for the house key. I was looking around the neighborhood to  make sure no one was around, since I was still in my pajamas.

Before he let me in, he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered in my ear, "Hey, since you're not feeling all that well we can go skating maybe later. Or another day, or something.. ".

As I stepped in, I gave him a kiss and grabbed his neck, staring right back into his eyes. "Thanks".

The house was indeed empty and I got a tempting idea. Maybe he was in this for the fun, maybe he wasn't. Whatever the reason, I wasn't about to waste a home alone with him- especially in this very grateful and in love mood that had just gotten over me. Walking upstairs I turned in his room and hid behind the door before he had the chance to see me. He called my name in confusion and as he stepped inside, I closed the door behind him, gave him a devilish smile and ran burying my head in his hug and pushing him on the bed. I kissed his lips feverishly not wanting the feelings that drowned the life out of me to come back. I felt I was using him as a shield and as long as it kept my pain away, I was fine hiding behind him. His mind was somewhere else however, and grabbing my body with his hands, laid me down beside him. "Tell me what was up before". I looked at him grimly, guilty for having talked to him so horribly on the phone. "Nothing! I'm fine!" I smiled and tried to kiss him again. I just wanted to feel like all those girls who have nothing on their mind and just have fun with their boyfriends. NOT that he was my boyfriend or something. I didn't want to be the depressed freak again, and I didn't need his psychotherapy AGAIN. Of course, I could sit and listen to him all day long, but eventually I knew he would grow tired of having to pick my pieces up all the time and find a better girl- with no problems, and a prettier face.

  He pushed me back and sat up.

"What happened? Did anything make you like that..  sad and stuff? Was it something I said?"he questioned.

I put my elbows on the bed, raising my head. I hated how he made me think he cared. I was starting to feel convinced that he actually had some sort of feelings for me. But I knew better than that. Guys like him with fresh music careers, have the whole world at their feet, the entire female population begs for their attention. And I had just witnessed that. My face went gloomy at the memory of my breakdown one hour ago. What the hell. I'd just tell him  since he wanted to know so badly, and see what answers he had to that.

"Wes I don't get it. You're confusing me. There are so many fan girls out there who are dying to talk to you , and for a chance to spend some time with you. And so many of them are GORGEOUS, a thousand times better than this," I said, pointing down at my face and body. "All I'm saying is that you could find someone so much better, than sit and waste your time with.. with a NOBODY Wes! So I just... just stay away from me.. but I need you... AND I DON'T FREAKING KNOW YOU!" I paused, embarrassed by how much I had spilled out but I couldn't stop now, "I'm just this really messed up person and you have the perfect life so you don't want to include me in it okay?".

He looked at me with eyes full of disapproval, killing a part of me without even knowing it. I knew I was in for a huge lecture, but once again I was wrong. He rushed on me, pushing me back on the bed and kissing me with all his strength, running his hand on my back. And then he just looked at me, as if I had broken his heart in half, and I sat wondering what I had done wrong.

"This is what you do to me. Every time I even think about you, you give me a rush of adrenaline and I don't care if I know you for three days or whatever. I wanna be with you and get to know you better. Ray, I'm sorry. Ok, I get it I rushed into this when we've only just met. But you're so... different from all this. You're real, you know? And all those girls? Man, they don't know me! If they met me they might not like who I really am, they just like my music or my face or whatever. HELL RAY, you might not like  And you are NOT a nobody okay? I love hanging out with you and it's just that. It drives me crazy that someone like you would want to end their life Ray, and I just want to find a way to make you see how amazing you are. Just don't do shit to yourself!". 

Then, I began feeling heavy, feeling my body come alive piece by piece. As if the invisibility cloak I had been wearing for months now was somehow lifted off my shoulders. And I could spend the whole day and night- hell, the whole week- just looking into his gorgeous eyes and his smile as it was starting to form. Because finally he made me get it. Not get everything of course; he couldn't put an end to all the misery, and everything that hurts people, but he made me see beyond that. And maybe to the rest of the world I was a nobody, and I sure as hell felt like a nobody to myself, but now I was responsible. I was responsible to take care of myself cause at least there was one person out there, sitting right next to me, that actually cared about my life - and I liked him too much to let him down.