Tears made of Sun (Emblem3)

Chapter 10 - Twists and Turns

I laid there, staring right into the sun from the window next to my bed. The events of yesterday kept flashing through my mind and I could do nothing but smile to myself. A day has never been so peaceful and so exciting at once. He gave my heart a rush, a desire to spend more time around him, to spend more time living. I have never felt so helpless before. I couldn't control the smile from taking over my face. I couldn't wait to see him again, to talk to him, to walk with him, to feel his hands warm mine.

Noticing how romantic the sun seemed, flashes kept occupying my mind of everything we had done together yesterday. Our first kiss. Our walk along the beach. Our non-stop kisses in hidden places and under board walks.

I stretched across the bed, throwing my covers on the floor. Looking across the city from the window, I grabbed my phone to check my calls. I had no missed ones, but I couldn't blame him because it was only 8:30...and last night had been quite exciting. Not THAT type of exciting though. Tip-toeing across the living room, I opened the closet door and grabbed my laptop. Feeling its small Start button, I pressed it open, and grabbed a small bun from the kitchen. Laying back down on my bed, I chuckled alone with my sneaky idea and went on Google. Typing in Instagram emblem3, I noticed the very first line of results. "Instagram-Wesley Stromberg". My mouth went dry and my smile widened.

I had to hold myself back from reaching for my phone and calling him. I was desperate to hear his voice, melting in front of all these pictures he had uploaded. He was such a fun person, taking all kinds of pictures, filling them with inspiring quotes for his fans. Curious, I quickly checked out the comments, and regretted it one minute later. Girls from all over the world were proposing, and desperately repeating their love for him. I scrolled down, seeing over and over again words so strong, as I realized how much inspiration he brought to his fans. How much they loved him, not only for his looks but for who he was and what he represented. I was eager to see more of this fan connection, so I Googled him, searched around in his Twitter, and read all the love posts fans had posted on the Internet. Guiltily, seeing the faces of many of the girls, I shut the laptop closed, and got up on my bed staring at the mirror from across.

The same boring sight met my eyes. I was nothing special. My hair was long and brown, covering my long neck. The way I stood was sloppy, and my walk was clumsy. Unlike all the gorgeous girls that chased after the guy I had just kissed, I was a hundred thousand marks below average, or at least what you would call decent-looking. Below what Wes really deserved. He needed someone who was as excited about life as he was, someone with great ambitions and great achievements waiting for her. I was mocking myself. I was mocking the person I really was. I never loved life so much. I never liked any of it. I pushed myself back down and let my head fall between my hands. I felt the moisture along my face and then started to taste my tears. This was who I was. I knew the misery and pain this world consisted of, and refused to live alongside it. I was the one who wasn't afraid to stand up to death itself because I knew it was much less painful than what we each, as humans, had to go through every day. Stop and look the hell around. And if you find one person with an easy life please introduce me. Because I've met no one so far. Who was I kidding? I was going to end it all today, whatever this was, because we were just making fun of ourselves. I would go back to everything that made up who I was, I would stay the nights thinking and crying- because that's what I take comfort in doing. And then I would end everything, like I was supposed to do three days ago.

I heard a loud buzzing noise and reached for my phone. Of course. I inhaled deeply as his number popped  up.

"Hey", I whispered.

"Hey! You ready to skate?". My mouth dropped open. Skate? I didn't know how to skate! And this was no skating time. It was time to set things straight.

"Wes... I don't know how to skate... Anyway listen I need to talk to you about someth-".

"Blah blah blah!" he interrupted, "I'm gonna teach you! Be ready, I'll pick you up in thirty minutes! Just give me your address cause I forgot it again..."I paused, biting my lip, and hesitated. Well, if I was going to tell him I'd better tell him now."RAY!! Hurry up we have a lot to teach you!".

Or I could just tell him from up close...whatever. So I muttered out my address and hang up. Crap, I did it again. I needed to start resisting him, controlling myself, and finally let loose from this complicated situation which could only bring trouble. I felt my mind split in two, as a part of me wanted to feel him again, to listen to him talk about life, to feel his lips on mine, and another part wanted to end everything, knowing that this would end in pain. Everything ends in pain, life brings you people you learn to love, you learn to depend on and then takes them away from you. It always has happened and always will happen. So I could just save myself the trouble and get the hell away from Wesley. I put my feet on the floor, and attempted to get up, falling flat on my butt and breaking down in tears again. I was exhausted. I was exhausted from being so disappointed of life all the time, I was exhausted from having to resist Wes and his warm heart as he opened it to me, I was exhausted from constantly giving up and holding on again, and again, and again.

I heard the doorbell ring but couldn't bother to move. My phone rang two seconds later.

Gasping for my breath, I picked up and spat out with anger, "Wes, leave me alone alright! I don't know how to skate and I don't need you in my life!"

I couldn't control my anger anymore, I felt helpless for feeling so dependent on a boy I barely knew. My tears were 'blinding me, I was choking on my words and I just needed his comfort, knowing that I wouldn't make it alone. I was terrified that if I let myself fall in this again, I'd lose everything, and I had just found something- or actually someone- worth living for.  

Taking back control over my words, I spoke softly in the receiver, "Just please... come up".

I expected his sweet words to calm me down, ready to get up to open the door for him but instead he snapped back, "No! I need you to come down right now!! Something is wrong, hurry!".

Losing the earth beneath my feet in wonder if he was alright, I leaped up, grabbed my keys and closed the door behind me. Running down the stairs, I almost fell twice, as scenarios were running through my head. What could have happened? Is he alright? What the hell was going on? Out of breath, I opened the building door to find him leaning on his jeep, smiling my way. I went out of my mind.

"ARE YOU INSANE?". He put down his phone on the driver's seat through the open window.

"Naah I'm cool... but I wasn't about to let you rot inside that apartment. We're going skating!".

Tears gathered in my eyes again, so mad I didn't know how to respond. I was going through a horrific problem and his concern was skating? Flooded with instantaneous hate, I stretched my hands in front of me and shoved them in his chest pushing him against the car. I was out of breath, I was exhausted psychologically and mentally and I was ready to beat up this asshole. But he was stronger, and grabbed my wrists and placed them near his chest and when he spoke his voice was soothing and made me sorry for ever hating on him.   

"I know it's hard babe, but I'm here to help you through it. Now come on".

Still blinded from my watery eyes, I stood there and was caught by surprise feeling his lips press against mine, taking away any fear of me being alone. Still kissing me tightly, he put his arm around my waist and picked me up, taking me around to the passenger's seat. I tried frantically to stop the tears forming in my eyes again, when I realized something that paralyzed my body and made every bad memory and thought fade out. Had he just called me babe? Babe as in.. his baby? 

I could get used to this.