Tears made of Sun (Emblem3)

Chapter 14 - Confrontations

I wanted to help that girl, but all I could do was stay still and breathe. My heart had collapsed, fallen over and broken to pieces, sucking all the oxygen out of me. My head was dizzy, my stomach was tied and my feet were glued to the ground, slowly failing to hold me up. With all the energy I had left I opened my arms wide, to hide my sister in my hug, to hold her tight for all the times I hadn't been there for her. I closed my eyes as she wrapped her arms around me and we both sank to the ground. I felt my shirt moist and heard the thumping of my heart louder than my sister's desperate gasps for breath. Her body was fragile and took up so little space. I felt her arms and wrapped my fingers easily around them. I felt her back and counted the bones of her spine.

"I'm so sorry" I muttered.

Her swollen eyes, drowning in her tears, looked up at me with sorrow and confusion, "Why are you sorry? This isn't your fault. I just miss her so much".

How could I ever have been so blind? So selfish, so self-centered, SO FUCKING BLIND. While I was haunted by how to end my life and avoid this daily nightmare, she was giving a daily battle to hold on. I tried to overcome the monster that was exhausting me and without realizing it, I turned into a monster myself. And that's how I felt. That's what I deserved to be. The one person who always looked up to me, idolized me and counted on me for support was fatally disappointed. Her frequent calls had never alarmed me, her broken voice never made me suspicious and all her desperate cries for help had gone by unnoticed. I shivered, the idea of losing my sister crushed my mind and stiffened my whole body. The idea of me BEING THE REASON I lost my sister, paralyzed my soul. She kept staring right into my eyes, with tears dripping from her face as she waited for a reply. What could I reply? That I'm sorry for being the worse sister in the universe? That I'm sorry for always putting myself before her and being too ignorant to acknowledge the hell she had been going through for all these months? That I'm sorry for being caught up in my own little drama and not bothering to call NOT EVEN ONCE? That I'm sorry for pretending that nothing had happened?

"I'm sorry for not being the sister I should have been." I explained, "I miss her too but...", she fell into my arms before I could finish my sentence. Talking was useless. We both knew where our minds travelled, we both knew what pained us, we both knew why I was sorry. Feeling her fragile body spasm as she cried, I kissed her hair and scanned the airport with my eyes searching for Wes. Leaning against the wall near the entrance, he had moved away and had his eyes pinned on me and my sister. He noticed me looking and walked my way and I tried rejecting him with my eyes, but needing a ride home, I gave in trying to stop him from coming, and lifted my sister's face lightly to face me just as he stopped near us. She wiped her tears and gave a faint smile picking up her bag and getting to her feet. Through the windows I could see the sun slowly going down, and I knew it was late afternoon. I sighed with relief, glad to have my sister close, glad that I can finally work up to being the sister I should have been all these months. Whatever it took for me to bring her back to who she really was, I would do it, and hell I would bring back her smile if it was the last thing I did.

"Wes, can you take us home?". He nodded quickly and my sister turned in surprise, unaware of his existence all this time. "This is my sister Jess, by the way" I said quickly, reminded that I stil hadn't done the introductions. Holding my breath at his reaction, I felt her hand squeeze mine in embarrassment.

"What up lil lady! I'm Wes nice to meet ya!". he replied cheerfully and stretched his hand in her direction.

I have to say, I think my sister was as surprised at that as I was because it took her almost a minute to hold out her hand and shake his as he waited. And even though it did sound a little inappropriate, taking into consideration the whole teary introduction to my sister's arrival, it definitely lightened the mood, which was exactly what everyone needed. However he did it, my sister smiled wide with entertainment as they walked ahead talking about California and as  I walked behind them, I felt one more butterfly pop up in my stomach each time I looked at his face. Loved up in his amazing character, I rushed to sit by his side in the car, but froze up when he put his hand on my seat as I was about to enter.

He looked up and smiled guiltily, "I was hoping you'd let your sister sit here so I can get to know her a little better...", I opened my mouth in protest and question. I knew that when I was in her state, the last thing I needed was some whacko pretending he cared but looking at my eager sister waiting to enter, I just let it go this time.

The car ride was not as exciting as I had hoped he would make it. Eventually my sister stopped talking in the excited mode he had put her in, and desperately trying to avoid any silent and uncomfortable situations, Wes had turned on the radio. The only sound in the car now was the music and his soft singing, along with my sister's frequent and long sighs. Thankfully, time passed by quickly enough and we arrived at my apartment. Jess opened the door before he had put the car to a complete stop, which worried me a little but I brushed it off trying to remain calm. I grabbed her bag and walked to the door as she followed behind me. Turning to wave goodbye, his car was gone and I was caught off-guard since he usually wasn't the type to leave just like that. Maybe he was in shock by all he had seen and heard today. And I don't blame him... It's about time he realized how much trouble I bring and finally I was glad he was the one to walk away because it meant I wouldn't have to do any talking. So I tried my best to remain happy and not let any of these thoughts show. This was my time to help my sister. This was her time. Not HIS time, not MY time. HER time.

The apartment was hotter than usual, which was probably because the sun had been hitting through the windows all day. Sure enough, I pressed my hand against the glass and it was burning hot. Jessica was still looking around. This was her first time being in my apartment and it was not in the best condition ever. My laptop was still on my bed, my phone charger's wires tangled on my pillow, and the bed covers were all on the floor. I quivered, remembering the condition I was when I had left the apartment in the morning. No more of that now. It was all about being strong for my sister and Wes. Ehm, I mean being strong for my sister. Period.

"Soooo what do you think?" I juggled an apple coming out of the kitchen and tossed it her way, mistakenly hitting my lamp instead.

She gave a quick giggle and a thumbs up looking around and nodding.

"It's pretty messy, I know... but you can help me fix it tomorrow or something. Now... pizza or Chinese?".

She squirmed discreetly on the bed and shrugged. I did not know how to handle this. I had never had eating problems with my sister. We would empty ice cream buckets together and stay up late eating nachos. But things had changed now. We were both different. And I couldn't avoid it forever, so I crawled on the bed and faced her.

"Hey, you can talk to me. I know it's hard," I had no idea what to say... I know it's hard? Well she knew too, so that wasn't helpful. Okay. Be truthful. Truthful. "but all we can do is just hold on. Things will get better eventually".

I might as well slap myself in the face. And judging from her disappointed look, she might have as well. "It's fine" she shrugged and laid down on her back. I turned and laid next to her staring at the ceiling. I prayed for something to break the silence, for time to turn back and things to go back to normal again, for us to be in our living room eating nachos and talking about boys. But of course time didn't turn back and we weren't in our living rooms; but the silence broke -by the sound of my ringtone.

"It's probably mom. She might wanna talk to you!" I acted excited, thinking about mom's extreme reaction and all the melodramatic remarks she would make if I picked up the phone.

I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed my phone, looking at the number. Well let's just say, I would have preferred it to be mom. 

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