im choosing to be like this

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i deleted wattpad,

yesterday i downloaded it back.

all day, everyday, high off adderall,

its my fucking crack.

carmen,

that bitch,

she fucking locked me out.

carmen,

that bitch,

she said she wanted out.

i didn't care,

i was happy to be me,

pretend she had a heart attack.

but that feeling,

oh so familiar to me.

I realized something last week,

I haven't had an episode in months.

decided i had to break the streak,

I welcome depression back.

its my choice,

my truth,

I love its curse.

am i really 'cured',

if i beg carmen to come back?

today she did,

oh how fucking alive i felt.

screaming.

crying.

mom told me to get out.

i'll scream and rip out my hair,

if i cant get my way.

get on my knees and pray,

please let carmen stay.

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