real psychward exclusive

im so bored without you

hey.. so listen,

its summer break and im bored.

im gonna try to write more on this stupid poetry page,

lets see if i can convince myself im traumatized once more.

like, lets just be real here.

i'm really not that sick.

i'm not actually crazy,

maybe just a little love sick.

i dont do drugs,

i take adderall, but thats it.

yeah, ive been addicted before,

overdosed too many times.

actually, i'm planning a huge overdose as we speak.

(i'll be right back, i'll go check how much i have stalked)

195mg

damn, by now I thought I'd have more.

whatever,

but if my parents find out, i'm fucking cooked

I really act worse off then I am,

but in 7th grade I was so much worse.

I don't know if I'm sorry for doing that to you,

i called it 'borderlines curse'

so, yeah. maybe i dont have that.

can it even go away?

well, something was definitely wrong with me.

i'm not saying theres not anymore,

but i'm definitely not obsessed with the idea of being locked in a hearse.

it might be my meds, though.

without them, then yeah, i'm fucked.

but i cant really tell,

its been 9 whole months since ive started taking them,

jesus fuck,

time goes by fast.

sometimes i'm great,

but then you come into mind.

i'm doing this to myself,

it might be a cycle until the end of my time.

so, um.. can u text me maybe?

i'm kind of bored and want something to do

you can pretend to be toby,

or maybe callie,

but sophia? No fuck her.

like, i hate you and all.

but i want you to know how i am.

i dont want you in my life,

i dont miss you at all.

i dont wanna talk to you,

or be your friend anymore.

its really annoying when i see you in the hallway,

but not as hard as it was before.

is it kind of weird that i can still replay certain memories in my head?

or have that feeling in my chest,

imaging you walking down that one hall,

wearing that coat.

in 7th grade you were so pretty,

now your ugly LOL.

but saying all this doesn't mean I don't want to force my life on you.

Not all the time,

but sometimes i want you to know.

learn that ive changed,

everything you knew about me,

it all changed when you left.

I now can recognize you made me that way.

i regret begging you so hard to stay.

it doesn't hurt really that your gone,

but what hurts is remembering how i felt.

How scared I was,

how angry,

how sad.

the things you did to me, olivia.

i want to say that none if it was okay.

but maybe i deserved it?

i was immature, too.

i really dont know anymore if what I did was okay.

i mean,

if you felt 'violated,'

i could have said sorry, anyway?

but who i am now,

I lack empathy and remorse.

Now, if i was in that situation,

if i felt how i felt now.

I would have told you to go fuck yourself,

make you realize i dont want you to stay.

I don't know where im going with this,

or what im trying to say.

dont think i want you back at all,

or care about you in the least.

im just kind of bored,

and searching for that summer psychotic break.