sim.jaeyun → macarons & motorcycles

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I merely roll my eyes at his voice, see, I love my brother, but after his adamancy on not being able to even be around Jake, I don't really want to hear him right now.

But, reluctantly, my body turns around slowly and I just stare at him. 

His brows are slightly furrowed, yet at the same time, there's a shared look of concern across his face.

"What now?" I didn't intentionally want to sound rude, but amongst all the built up feelings I have had inside, I suppose they just escaped in that moment.

"Where have you been? I was worried sick, what the hell Ji-eun?!" Heeseung's eyes were soft yet angry, but also slightly paranoid.

"I just went on a retreat, what? You gonna say I can't do that too?" And with that, I turn my body back around, reaching for my keys and jamming them into the keyhole until Heeseung speaks again.

"Ji-eun, you really have to understand, I'm only trying to prote-" Before he could even finish his sentence, I walked into my house and slammed the door shut just as another word of his was about to break the air.

I leant my bodyweight onto the door, giving a large exhale as my legs gradually weaken and I'm scrunched up against the floor and the door.

I was going to need a larger break from work, I don't think I could even concentrate at that place.

My mind ran through all of the moments I had with Jake, I wish there were more to come, but I fear that there will be no more.

With a last resort effort to instate some hope, I unfolded the letter he signed off this morning to me. I read over his words, over and over again, traced his handwriting mentally so much that I could probably forge his words.

My eyes glanced down to the ending, and that sudden feeling of despair clouded over me.

You know, the kind of hopeless feeling that just lingers, it never really leaves, you try and convince yourself that it'll go away some time soon, but you subconsciously know that no matter what - it's here to stay.

I'm feeling a burden of emotions right now.

It won't be easy to move on, and I couldn't even believe myself for thinking that. We weren't even technically together, so why did this parting feel like the heartbreak of a lifetime?

After a while of dissociating on the floor, I decided to take my mind off this whole dilemma in my life currently, and how would I do that? By writing more music pieces.

I have a bunch of songs that are unfinished, yearning to be worked on, to be published and made known, but I just can't seem to finish them the way they truly deserve.

It's always like, something is missing, every time I listen, it's almost distasteful in it's sound.

I dropped and left all my bags at the bottom of the stairs, sluggishly dragging my legs up my stairs and towards my room, where a familiar scent lingered around in the corridors.

Oh damn - this man is truly haunting me.

I swallowed hard, entering my room and expecting some beautiful man to just be laid there, maybe even with a rose in his mouth and asking to be painted like one of my French girls. But upon entering, there was nothing but the eerie yet comforting wind of my bedroom that has been left still for the past time.

I was hyperaware of every sound, the small creaks of my chair, every click of the mouse, I felt like I could even hear the click of the keyboard as my finger hovered over the keys, but at that point, I reckon I was going insane or just tired.

Probably the former.

I put my headphones on, clicking on a piece of audio that was unfinished, and by if some heartbroken miracle,  I managed to finish it in such a quick pace that it surprised me.

I listened to every individual part, and this is what I wanted to channel in my songs so badly, I just wanted this vibe in every single one of them.

It expressed every deep, foul emotion that's hiding in my body, every crack and crevice of rottenness seeped into this song.

Sure, it sounded soft and nice, but beneath lay a series of meaningful lyrics, embedded in complex metaphors and whatnot.

I turned around in my chair, looking back at my balcony windows. The sky was pitch black, and with that, I gave a light sigh, hearing a motorcycle roar from outside.

My head perked up, a spike in my heartbeat as I sat up immediately. I dimmed my computer screen, and went up to the glass as if today was my last day on earth.

You know what, maybe it would be better if it was, because the view wasn't so good.

Matter of fact, I think it put me off any food for the month.

I watched Jake and Yeju hop off the same motorcycle, her arms gently unwrapped around him as she stepped off, shaking her hair from taking off the helmet.

Their whole friend group was lively, talking to each other, laughing and what not, and the lights to my house were dim, quiet and restless.

Jake all of a sudden put his arm around Yeju's shoulders, subconsciously pulling her closer to him.

And at that point, I decided that that's all I wanted to see for the day. 

Originally I wanted to throw my utensils from the balcony at them, but then I reconsidered, it took a while to convince myself to not, but I somehow managed, instead, putting myself to sleep instead of resorting to violence.