𝐏𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤

Curiosity Killed The Parents

Parings → Dad! Peter Parker x Mom! Reader

Warnings → embarrassing conversation, sexual references (non-explicit), humor, parenting chaos, domestic fluff.

Summary → Your kids found some shiny packets, and now they're curious.

          ｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆  ｡･:*:･ﾟ★

It was one of those rare mornings when the house was quiet, too quiet. The kids were still asleep—or so you thought—and you and Peter had taken full advantage, snoozing away in your bed, wrapped up in warm blankets.

You were vaguely aware of the sun streaming through the window and Peter’s quiet, steady breathing next to you. One of his arms was draped lazily across your waist, his hand splayed over your hip like he always did when you slept. Peaceful. Perfect.

Until—

“Mommy! Daddy! Wake up!”

You shot up like someone had set off a fire alarm, Peter jolting awake beside you. “Wha—huh? Are we under attack?” Peter mumbled groggily, his hair a disheveled mess.

Both Ben and Mayday stood by the bed, Ben holding something in his hands while Mayday bounced on her toes, excitement written all over her face. You blinked at them, trying to process what was happening.

“What…what’s going on?” You asked groggily, rubbing your eyes.

“Look what we found!” Mayday practically shouted, holding up a shiny silver packet.

Your stomach dropped.

Your blood turned cold.

Oh. No.

You squinted, finally registering the contents of Ben’s little hands—condoms. Two shiny wrappers. You didn’t even want to think about how many they had found or, more importantly, where.

Peter blinked, too, finally comprehending. “Oh my—what—what is that?”

“They were in your drawer!” Ben said, frowning as he held them up like trophies. “What are they?”

Peter paled as he looked at you in horror, clearly panicking. You weren’t about to die alone. Without missing a beat, you pointed to Peter and said, “Ask your dad. Those are his.”

Peter’s eyes widened. “What? Mine?”

You folded your arms, narrowing your eyes. “Do I look like I use them?”

“Wait—wait—why am I being thrown under the bus here?” He stammered, his voice cracking slightly.

Ben tilted his head curiously. “Daddy, what are these? Are they candy?”

“Candy?” Peter sputtered, voice going higher. “No! Not candy—definitely not candy!”

Mayday scrunched up her face. “Then what are they? They look fun!”

You stifled a laugh, giving Peter a pointed look. “Go on, Daddy. Educate your children.”

Peter shot you a pleading look like, Please help me out here, but you just smirked. You were fully awake now, enjoying this far too much.

“Um…well,” Peter started, running a hand through his already wild hair. “This is…uh…grown-up stuff.”

Ben frowned. “Grown-up stuff? Like taxes?”

“Worse,” you mumbled under your breath.

Peter shot you a glare before turning back to the kids. “No! Not taxes. This is…science! Yeah! It’s a science thing.”

“Science?” Ben perked up. “How? Like for an experiment?”

You bit your lip to hold back your laughter as Peter floundered.

“Y-Yeah, exactly,” Peter said quickly, latching onto the idea like it was his lifeline. “It’s…uh…like a balloon experiment. You know, stretchy stuff. For, um, air.”

“Balloons?!” Mayday squealed, snatching one of the packets from Ben’s hand and holding it up to her face. “Can we blow them up?!”

Your eyes widened. “No!”

Peter practically launched out of bed. “No! No blowing them up!” He snatched the packets from both kids’ hands in record speed, muttering, “Why did I think I’d hide these in a house with Spider-Kids?”

Ben frowned, clearly unsatisfied. “But why not? You said it’s a balloon!”

Peter froze like a deer in headlights. “Because…because these balloons are special.”

“How?” Mayday asked, still bouncing with excitement.

Peter sighed, clearly regretting every life choice that had led to this moment. “Because, uh…they only work for adults. Adult balloons. They’re very boring and lame, I promise.”

“Then why do you have so many?” Ben challenged, crossing his arms.

You snorted at that, unable to hold back. Peter shot you a glare over his shoulder. “Not. Helping.”

“Your dad’s just very prepared,” you teased, lying back down with a satisfied grin. “He’s like a Boy Scout.”

Peter turned bright red, burying his face in his hands. “Can someone please send me back to sleep?”

Ben and Mayday still looked unconvinced, though Mayday finally let out a dramatic sigh. “Fine. I’ll just use real balloons later.”

“Great idea, sweetheart,” you said quickly, waving her off. “Now, go back to your room and play, okay? Mommy and Daddy need a little more sleep before breakfast.”

“Okay,” they mumbled reluctantly, trudging out of the room with suspicious side-eyes.

The second the door closed, Peter flopped onto the bed face-first with a groan. “Why, why, why does this happen to us?”

You rolled onto your side, grinning at him. “Because our kids are too smart for their own good.”

Peter peeked up at you, hair sticking up in every direction. “You threw me under the bus!”

“Because you use them, genius,” you said, laughing softly. “You’re the responsible adult in this house.”

He groaned again. “I hate being responsible.”

You leaned over, brushing his hair out of his face with a smile. “You did great, though. ‘Adult balloons’? I almost lost it.”

“Not my finest hour,” he mumbled. “We need a better hiding spot. Somewhere only a superhero can reach.”

“You realize they’d still find it,” you teased. “Spider-Kids, remember?”

Peter groaned dramatically, rolling onto his back. “I’m never getting out of bed again.”

“Good luck with that. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Traitor,” he muttered.

You chuckled softly as you turned over, only for Peter to mumble under his breath, “Adult balloons. Never living that one down.”

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