A Bit Too CRAZY (Josh Hutchereson FanFic)

Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty-one

I sit on the bed, which is actually confortable. I lie on my back and sigh. I know the camera are watching me closely, and it’s uncomfortable. I stare at the walls, and study the white. I never realized how strong the color white was until now. It’s really – what’s the word? – mysterious. It’s hard. It’s angry.

          Why would someone think that locking someone up in a white room with only a bed and white walls and cameras would help them become less sane? It will only make them even more insane because, well, they’re locked in a small room with only a bed and nothing to enjoy. It won’t make them just more insane it will make them depressed. I can already feel the depression creeping up my spine and into my brain.

          I feel pain. Not the pain that stabs you a little and then leaves, but the pain that assassinates you and never leaves. It almost literally hurtrs your heart. There’s that lump in the throat and you can’t say anything. You don’t have the will to do anything. You can’t sit still. You try everything you like to do, even just eating a snack, and you can’t do it. You can’t feel yourself breathing and you can’t feel your own heartbeat. You try to sleep and you can’t, but at the same time you can’t stay awake. You think of every mistake and bad situation you were ever in and regret each one. You feel so horrible and you don’t know why. You want to talk to or text or call someone but you can’t bring yourself to do it, and you end up lying to get out of a conversation. You can’t even listen to a simple song. You feel like you should yawn but your body won’t let it out. The yawn is only a surplus of sighs. Your thoughts become scrambled and misplaced. You over think, and make a simple sentence a huge deal that’s unsolvable. This isn’t pain.

          This is what depression is.

          Suddenly, the door opens, and I look over to see Josh. The day must have completely passes because out a window in the hallway the sky is dark, and street lights are on. Josh holds a tray of food, and the door locks behind him. He tries smiling but it doesn’t last. “Hey,” he says.

          “Hi.”

          Josh walks over and I sit up in the bed, swinging my legs over the side. Josh sits next to me. “Hungry?” I shake my head. “You haven’t eaten anything all day. The food’s good. Eat.”

          “I’m not hungry.” Josh wraps his arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple.

          “It took a lot of convincing for them to tell me where they took, if I could see you, and if I could bring you your food, so eat.”

          “I can’t.”

          “Why?”

          “You’ve never been depressed have you, Josh?” He looks at me. “You don’t know that feeling.”

          “I know it’s feeling deep sadness.”

          “It’s beyond just sadness. It’s numbness, Josh. You can’t do anything. You’re not hungry and you’re unable to do things, and you can’t even pick up a pudding cup and eat it. You just can’t. You only know depression when you’ve had it.”

          Josh kisses my cheek. “Okay. I’ll leave it here after I leave if you do want it later.” I nod. “They said they want to keep you a few days to see what happens before you go crazy again.”

          “Ugh!” I scream through my teeth. “No one gets it!” I’m screaming loudly, but I don’t care. I hold my head, clench my teeth, and squeeze my eyes shut. “It doesn’t just happen! I don’t go crazy everyday! I go crazy at the worst times or the most random times! That’s the only time it ever happens! If I’m locked up in a room with nothing then nothing will happen! You can’t just make me go crazy! It doesn’t happen like that!”