My cat butterball is very sick. And tonight we have to put him down.....
I'm balling my eyes out hard....
WHY HIM. Why. I don't want him to leave.
It's 11:36am. I was hanging out with my friend C. And her mom comes in her room telling her to lower the music & tells me "your mom wants to speak with you."
Now I'm thinking:
Why? She can wait until I get home..?
What did I do?
Sorry.
Omg what??
Huh?
She never bothers me at friends houses..so what happened?
So I nodded and took the phone.
My mom tells me the last thing I expected to tell me.
"You know how Butterballs sick?"
Yes.
"So we're at the animal hospital..."
..yes.
"He's very sick and...."
omg and what??
"And they said we need to put him down..."
**silence**
"Vianna did you hear me? I couldn't decide so I've been here for hours and hours and I don't know. It's your call..." She sniffled.
**more silence**
"Vianna I know--"
I cut her off. "Why?" I whispered trying not to cry.
"Because he's very sick and he is sick with something uncureable." She breathed out.
"Tonight?"
"Tonight what v?"
"Are you putting him down tonight?" I say squeaking. With a voice barely audible.
"Your call."
"No." I said.
Long story short: C's mum and I got in her car and rode to the animal hospital and I tried not to sob. I sniffled my nose now and then...my eyes puffy and red and my black pigment running down. I furiously wiped the tears that kept coming...but no use. I scratched my arm and squeezed my thigh and I honestly felt attacked just now. I had a good day and now my cats dying and there's nothing I can do to keep him here.
So I tug at my curls and practically pulling my hair and crying. (I was in the backseat) I eventually told my self to "breathe breathe calm DOWN." So I did at times but then my flashbacks came back and I started to cry. I haven't spoken a word since being on the phone with my mom. I was too scared to speak assuming my voice will betray me.
We eventually pulled up and my tear came more.
I started pinching my skin until it was red. Fuck. This was like a never ending nightmare.
We decided not to put him down yet. We have a few more days with him left and I'm so grateful. So right now I'm still sad but not devastated yet....
I know in matter of days I will be.
