𝘾𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙪𝙡 ♥︎

Chapter 79: His Grace, Her Comfort.

You know,

Times like these really make me remember the past.

Almost like nostalgia, but instead of making me feel right at home or calm, it sends me descending into another episode.

... When I was a kid, I wasn't really the model child. I was quite impulsive back then, my behavior was all over the place, especially at school and other stressful places.

That carried over to my teen years as well. Intensified as I got older, and made me realize that there was something really wrong with me.

"I can't handle my own emotions.

Happiness, sadness, anxiety, sure, I could get through those by myself. But when it comes to someone treating me as if I'm some sort of rag on the side of the road, that's where it really gets me.

Heart feels like it's pounding in my throat, my eyes watering, not being able to ball up my hands without my fists shaking.

My mother once told me that when I was a child I almost stabbed my cousin's eye out with a pencil over a scuffle we had. I... really wanna say that I was just a kid, not knowing any better, but considering what's happened in my life since then... I can't be so sure."

"... When I was 16 or... whatever age I was, my sister came up to me about a certain someone that did something to her... I can't recall exactly what, but she was pretty shaken about it. And I was too, even more than her.

I was foaming. Whatever it was that was done to her, it made me seethe in anger. The next day we went to school, I found the person she told me about, and beat him within a brink of his life. Expelled immediately. Cops called, legal trouble, I had to move out with my family.

Next school my sister and I went to was unpleasant. All the students were either ignorant of us, or downright despised us for no reason. No matter which teacher I turned to, nobody helped me.

I ended up beating my head teacher's head in with a dictionary until he was bleeding on the floor of his office. For him to be so ignorant of me, even though my parents told him of my disability, it made me lose it... I still don't know if he lived or not."

"After that... it's a blur. Nothing. Nothing, until my next set of memories. Raptures everywhere, my parents dead, and my sister perishing right in front of me. I've heard there was a terrorist attack in the Ark at some point involving luring a large group of Raptures to one of the elevators, so I connected it to that.

... I don't know how I lived, if I even did, but... the last thing I remember is feeling angry again. At myself for being such a weakling, and at whatever deity it was that made me experience everything I did.

I should've been crying. Panicking. Yet, the only emotion I experienced was-"

"That's enough." The psychologist set her notebook down and closed it. She looked me straight in the eyes and spoke, "Commander Y/n. What you are describing to me is a clear, and very dangerous form of emotional dysregulation."

"..." I tilted my head, not understanding a word.

The psychologist hummed as she read me through my eyes. "Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain which manages anger and stress, is malfunctioning."