Not All Fun and Games

Chapter 46

My head immediately starts to spin. This is much worse than him being mad at me. Was this because he was mad at me? If it was, he is more despicable than I ever would have thought, even before we started... being whatever it is we are. Well, were.
"Wow," is all I can say for a moment as I struggle to keep my tears from pouring out.
"I know. I'm so sorry, Clarke. There's no excuse for what I did." He reaches his hand up to touch my face but I back away.
I don't say anything. I don't even know what to say. I want to ask him why he did it, but I can't bring myself to speak.
"Clarke, I love you," he says, the tears rolling down his cheeks.
The air is too thick in here and I feel the tent walls caving in. I need to get out of here.
Without answering him, I walk out of his tent, taking a big gulp of fresh air as soon as I'm outside. It barely helps. I could have sworn the air was a lot thinner out here before I went into that tent.
I need to get to my own tent before I start crying.
Hot tears are beginning to spill from my eyes as I dive into my tent, zip up the doors and bury my face into my sleeping bag that I haven't unrolled yet.

He didn't explain why. All he said was that he wouldn't waste my time with excuses. That's probably just because he doesn't have any.
Am I supposed to even believe that they only kissed? I'm sure he'd have no problem lying to me.
You know that's not true. He loves you, argues an annoying voice at the back of my head. Yes, the voice is a pain in the ass, but it is right. About him not lying to me, anyway. Bellamy told me about Chloe as soon as I got back. He was too guilty to even kiss me back. He was crying, for God's sake. It's gotta take a lot to make Bellamy cry.
Not that any of this changes things. If we had something between us, and I think we did, he destroyed it. At least for the moment. Maybe it will eventually be repaired, but not now. I can't see myself looking past this anytime soon.
Now that I'm lying down, I realize how exhausted I am. I spent the whole day walking and I came back to the person I love most in the world telling me he kissed someone else.
I unroll my sleeping bag and doze off in minutes.

***

When I wake up, I have no sudden urge to leave my tent. Then my stomach rumbles. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. When I stand, I feel slightly dizzy. I definitely can't ignore my hunger.
I slowly pull down my tent zipper, peeking outside to make sure I don't run into Bellamy on my way to breakfast. How incredibly childish.
Once I declare the coast clear, I make my way to the food stand. Jasper and Monty are standing outside of it, just like they do every morning. The two of them agreed to breakfast duty when we had figured out a system down on the ground. Raven and Finn are lunch duty and Kaytee and Murphy, dinner.
Jasper serves me a peach, some nuts and what I think is the leg of a rabbit.
I thank him and head to an unoccupied table.
Kaytee joins me when I'm halfway through my food.
"Hey Clarke," she smiles. She's eating a meal identical to mine.
"Hi, Kaytee." I attempt to smile back, but by the sympathetic look she gives me, I know it didn't work.
"Want to talk about whatever is getting you down?" she says gently.
"No, not now at least. But thanks." Over the last five days we've gotten closer and I've realized that I really enjoy her company. But the burn of Bellamy's confession still stings. It's too early to talk about it.
We eat in silence for a few minutes, watching as Camp slowly gets busier.
"I was wondering if I could ask you a favour? Feel free to say no," she says timidly, finally breaking the silence.
"What is it?"
"Well, now that I know so much more about the forest, I wanted to have... a picnic. With Murphy. I know it's foolish, but I heard about picnics when I was on the ark. Ever since we got down here, I've sorta wanted to have one. Besides, it would be good for him. We wouldn't go far from Camp, but Murphy needs to get used to life beyond these gates."
"I don't think it's foolish," I tell her. "I think it sounds really nice." I can't help but think back to the time Bellamy took me out to his "special spot", where we went swimming, and then... I force myself to focus back on Kaytee.
"Thanks," she beams. "Anyway, we're supposed to be on dinner duty. I was wondering if you'd cover for me?"
It's not a hard thing to do. You figure out the size of the portions that everyone gets, making sure everything is even and you don't get rid of all the food. Then you serve everybody.
I've got nothing better to do. I'd rather be doing something productive than spending my time alone in my tent.
"Yeah, sure. No problem," I tell her and she smiles gratefully.
"Thanks, Clarke. Everyone else who I asked was either busy or too lazy. Anyway, I gotta go tell Murphy the good news." She gets up and leaves, leaving me alone again.
I finish up my meal quickly and start to make my way back to my tent. I'm looking around for Bellamy as I walk, careful I don't run into him.
CRASH!
When I open my eyes again, I'm sitting on the ground looking up at Chloe.
"Sorry, Clarke! We both weren't looking where we were going. Are you okay?
She reaches out her hand, but I ignore it and get up on my own.
"I'm fine," I mumble.
"So how was the trip?" she asks awkwardly.
I'm not really in the mood for making small talk with the girl Bellamy kissed while I was away. "It was fine."
I know it isn't fair that I'm mad at her, but I really can't help it. If it weren't for her, I could be with Bellamy now, telling him all about my trip to Polis.
"Clarke, I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't know you guys were dating."
She didn't? I guess we weren't that obvious about it, come to think of it...
"But he didn't mean for it to happen," she continues.
"What do you mean?" He didn't mean to? Yeah, right.
"He was drunk. Octavia had finally convinced him to come out of his tent, and he ended up having too much of the stuff Monty and Jasper had whipped up. He was mad at you, but he didn't mean to cheat on you. It was more my fault than his."
He didn't tell me he was drunk. Still, he knew what he was doing.
"He stopped right after we kissed," Chloe goes on. I cringe when she says 'kissed'. "He started to panic. He told me he was sorry. He said he kissed me because he thought I was you for a second. And then he left."
He kissed her because he imagined her as me? He was drunk, it is possible. But it doesn't mean I can forgive him. Not yet, anyway. I really need to figure this all out.
"Okay, I gotta go Chloe," I say and walk towards my tent.
Once I'm inside, I realize that I really don't want to be alone. I've thought about this whole complicated situation too much in the past 12 hours. I'd rather do something else. Maybe Octavia's in her tent.

***

After hanging out for almost the whole day with Octavia, it's almost time for me to start dinner duty.
Octavia and I are sitting outside the fence, talking about our walk to Polis tomorrow.
"Calvin's meeting us at seven in the morning. Everyone knows they need to pack up tonight. Are you ready?"
Octavia smiles. "Yeah, all packed. Stop stressing! Everyone's excited to go. Most people have already made their home arrangement."
My stomach drops. I totally forgot about sharing houses. I guess I just thought I'd be sharing with Bellamy. Actually, we'd have to share with another person. There are about 100 people and only 30 houses.
"Who are you sharing with?" I ask Octavia.
"I'm actually staying with Monty and Jasper. They asked me cause they needed a third person."
"I'm sure that's gonna be a fun experience," I say and she giggles. "Anyway, I gotta go now. I've got dinner duty."
"I'll walk you," Octavia offers and we walk back inside the camp.
There are a few kids sitting at the tables, already eating. I guess whoever is sharing dinner duty with me got here early.
Just as I check to see who I'll be sharing dinner duty with, Octavia yells out from next to me: "Hey, Bel!"
There stands Bellamy, serving a blonde girl some meat. He smiles at Octavia, but his grin quickly disappears as he locks eyes with me.