Not All Fun and Games

Chapter 47

Oh no. Is this actually happening? Of all the people I have to spend the next hour standing right next to, it has to be Bellamy.
"What are you waiting for?" Octavia jokes as if everything was fine. "Aren't you gonna serve me my dinner?"
Bellamy is still looking at me. The girl he was serving waits with her plate held out. She clears her throat loudly so that he turns his attention back to her.
Should I run while he isn't looking? No, that would be way too childish.
"Clarke, is everything okay?" Octavia asks, now sounding worried.
"Yeah! Everything's fine," I force a fake smile. "Sure, I'll serve you."
We walk towards the food stand and I get behind it, picking up a medal plate. With a wooden spoon, I serve her some rabbit meat and what looks like a salad made of leaves from the forest. Bellamy is standing to my right, only a couple feet away. I'm sure his eyes are on me.
Octavia leaves to go sit at a table, leaving the two of us alone. I knew I'd have to speak with Bellamy sooner or later. I just don't know what to say. And I can't be the first to speak.
"Hey..." he says so awkwardly I cringe.
"Hi," I reply flatly.
His eyes are sad, just like last night. Hopefully he won't cry again. I obviously didn't admit it, but that tore me apart.
"I know you probably don't want to speak to me."
"You're right. So make it quick." It takes me a second to realize that those words came out of my mouth.
He looks slightly surprised, and maybe even a little hurt, but continues his little speech.
"I want you to know that I regret what I did. I would do anything to go back in time and take it back. Yeah, I know that's not good enough." He pauses to push the hair out of his face. "But I really am sorry I did it. I know it's unfair for me to ask you to forgive me, but please think about it." He takes a deep breath, staring at his feet.
"I don't know, Bellamy..."
Bellamy looks back up at me. "What can I do to make you want to forgive me?"
I don't even know the answer to that question. He can't undo what is done. But maybe it's a good thing this happened. Life on the ground is nothing like life on the ark. Things are so much more complicated. Maybe Bellamy and I shouldn't be together because it's just so complicated. But a part of me, the one that's bigger and stronger than the rest, wants to forgive him. To live in a house in Polis with him. To be able to hug or kiss him whenever I want to, and he'll be there no matter what.
"I did it because I thought you didn't want me," says Bellamy suddenly, eyes once again on his feet. "You didn't need me."
"What do you mean?" I ask. What's he talking about?
"You didn't need me to come to Polis with you."
"If you came, who would have taken care of Camp? I needed you to stay and look after everyone," I explain.
"But you didn't need me to protect you," he mumbles.
"Bellamy..." I sigh. "I can protect myself. I wanted you to come, but it wouldn't have been a smart decision. Just because I don't always need you doesn't mean I don't want you."
Octavia always needed him on the ark. He took care of her and protected her. He came all the way down here just to look after her. He's used to being needed by the people he loves. But he needs to understand that I can take care of myself.
"You're right," he sighs. "I'm sorry. I really am. I love you." He finally meets my eyes. "I love you and I can't lose you. You might not need me, but I need you. And I'm not letting you go." His gaze is intense but soft at the same time.
Can I forgive him? I know he won't take no for an answer. But is it too early to move past this?
He wraps his arms around my waste and pulls me towards him, kissing me. I can't help but kiss him back. I don't know what's going to happen once we stop kissing, but for the moment I don't care.