"Go ahead, tell me I told you so" I say to Calum.
He came over to see how I was going. Isn't the answer obvious?
I'm doing terrible.
"I'm not going too, I'm not like that Jess, I really feel for you" he gives me a serious look.
"I don't understand what's wrong with me Cal. This isn't fair" I lick my lips.
"Nothing is wrong with you, Michael is the problem not you" he leans in and hugs me.
"Don't Cal" I push him away. "I don't want you to feel like you need to be here"
"You're right, I don't have to be here. But I want to be" he smiles.
"Why though? I left you for Michael" I yell.
I don't get why I'm getting angry.
"Because maybe I'm still in love with you" he snaps.
"What?" I jump back
"But that's my problem not yours"
"Did you come here to tell me this?"
"No Jess. I had no intentions of telling you how I feel. I came here simply because I care about you. I don't want you too end up like how you were. Okay. I don't want you too push me away again." He takes a deep breath of relief.
"I'm not going to push you away again Cal" I smile. "Thank you" I hug him.
Maybe it's the heart talking instead of my head.
I can't seem to figure out how to feel still. Do I just do what I please? But then I'm not really thinking of my future.
What happens if Michael comes back? Will I do the same thing. Will it just be replayed?
Maybe I should just be by myself for a while.
Love the friends who care about me.
"We can't go there again right now Cal" I back away.
"I understand. I'm here just has a friend" he smiles.
"Thanks" I smile back.
"Do you want to go do something?" He gets up. "Like go get some ice cream or something?"
"Sure" I follow him.
We walk side by side in silence.
"Remember that time when we first got ice cream and we said our favourites in sync?" He laughs.
"Yeah, that was a good day" I laugh.
"I liked the idea of us"
"It was nice wasn't it?"
"Yeah. I'm glad I made you happy at some point" he stops to look at me.
I know I said I shouldn't. But I can't help but feel butterflies right now. He is saying all the right words. And I just can't help myself.
"Would it be weird if I said I wanted to kiss you so bad right now?" I stare back.
"Then why don't you?" He bites his lips.
I lean in close and connect his lips with mine.
He soon disconnects.
"We can't do this, you said so yourself" he back away. "This will just end badly again. I know you still love Michael even though he has broken you easier than you can break glass. And that's how I think of you, fragile. And you can't take so much being broken. So please understand that we can't do this again" he takes a deep breath.
"I know. That's the thing Cal, I crave love and being loved. I can't help myself when it comes to feelings. I don't know how to hold back"
"Let me teach you"
"No I don't want to be around you anymore" I start to walk away.
"You said you wouldn't push me out, let me be the one to teach you how to deal because I've spent a lot of time trying to deal with my self"
"I'm sorry Cal, I just keep breaking you. Leave while I'm giving you the chance"
"You can't get rid of me again. Even if you give me permission"
Why is he staying. I'm a bomb, I explode. That's just what I do.
