Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Auntie Bee

I walk into the apartment with Robyn on my shoulders. I'm careful not to bump her head on the doorframe as we enter the threshold of the apartment. Jamie follows closely behind us.

As soon as I open the door, I'm hit with an overwhelming scent of tomato sauce. I walk further in the apartment to see Ana in the kitchen slicing vegetables and the band sits on couches watching the tv. Yanks versus Pirates. I put Robyn on CC's lap and kiss Rikki 's cheek, leaving my hands on his shoulders.

"Who's winning ? " I wonder and Bret frowns.

"Not the good guys. " He mutters, he loves those Pirates.

"Let's keep it that way." I smile.

Rikki pulls my hands down until I'm close to his neck. He kisses my forehead and I bury my face in his neck, my lips brush his neck gently and he squirms a bit. I smile into his neck. He smells good.

"Jamie, Bee, you wanna help me for a second?" Ana asks us.

We get up and walk over to her. Without warning, she points a knife at us. Being raised in a city where the municipal sport is running from the police, you take everything like this as a threat. Completely on instinct, both Jamie and I pull our switchblades from our hips and point them at her. The boys laugh from behind us, Robyn giggles at her mom's scared face.

"What did you think point knives at us!" Jamie wonders.

"You two are too paranoid." Ana mutters.

"What happened to don't bring a gun to a knife fight?" I wonder and Jamie nods.

"Why do you go to knife fights? Sounds like a sucker ' s bet to me." Ana mutters. "Can you just chop vegetables?"

"Yeah." Jamie sighs.

"Uh huh." I say in the same tone.

"Don't cut yourselves." She reminds us.

"Because that was our plan." I mutter and the boys laugh.

We chop veggies for a while. Jamie and I bumping shoulders while doing so, probably not the best idea considering neither of us are handy with pointed objects. The other kinda dumb thing we do is reach over to the pepper the other's is cutting and randomly chop at the other's and yell "I'm helping!!" Or randomly knock the other's hat off, yelling "stupid fucking Mets" or "stupid fucking Yanks". The boys laugh at our skit, like we rehearsed it, this is just how we act with each other. I'm not sure if it's how best friends are supposed to act or not. Oh well.

"Your team fucking sucks, Bee." Bret calls.

"Yet they're beating your team." I smile and he flips me off. I return the gesture.

"Hey, hey." Ana calls. "Little eyes in the room."

"CC's short, Ana, not little." I say and Robyn laughs.

"I'm thirteen minutes older than you!" CC complains.

"And I'm an inch taller than you!" I say.

"So? Bret and Bobby are younger than you and taller than you."  CC complains again.

"Are you bitching or whining?" I call.

"Bitching!" CC laughs. "Fuck you!"

"That's Rikki's job!" Bret, Bobby, and Jamie yell in unison.

Rikki and I go red, Robyn laughs, CC goes white, Ana is trying her damnedest not to laugh. I flip off CC.

"Bianca!" Ana tries to sound seriously and I look over to her.

"I'm sorry, I hate when it does that." I smile and everything laughs.

That's about the time that George opens the door to all of our surprise, we thought he went home close to a week ago. CC stands up, leaving Robyn beside Rikki. Rikki looks hungry for my eldest brother's blood but holds onto my niece. Both Ana and I stop what we're doing and look to George. He looks to all of us before clearing this throat. CC and I make eye contact and I nod. We go into the kitchen and pour Jack into coffee mugs, Ana looks at us, the band laughs. We drink about half of what fills our mugs before looking to George.

"You can continue now." I say, bending over the counter, CC mimes me.

"I think you all should know I decided to procreate." George says like its no big deal. CC and I both choke on whiskey.

"Like put more of you into the world?" CC wonders.

"You know that means you have to screw a girl." I say.

"Or in a Petri dish." George speaks up. "I have found someone smart enough to breed with."

"Mom is gonna love that." Ana laughs. "Born out of wedlock and made in a Petri dish. Our Catholic mother is going to love that!"

"And what's Robyn?" George snaps.

"Hey!" CC and I say in unison.

"Don't talk about her!" I nearly yell.

"Her daddy was a burnout! Twins? You're living in Sin City!" George yells.

"That's Vegas, asshole!" CC snaps.

"Im smarter than the three of you combined! I'm not the asshole here!" George storms off, slamming the door. CC looks at me.

"Top of his class at Harvard, still can't realize 'asshole' is how we show affection." He half mutters.

Robyn is crying. All of our loving instincts kick in and CC picks her up sitting on the table.

"What does he mean?" She wonders between sobs.

"He's just an ass." I assure her.

"Mama, where's daddy?" Robyn sobs.

"I don't know, baby." Ana says quietly.

Robyn shouldn't be crying. She's such a perfect little girl, as her aunt it's my job to make her feel better. I'm like a mom but cooler, I'm Auntie Bee. I love her like crazy. Robyn's dad is a burnout but she doesn't need to know that. All she needs to know is that her family loves her like crazy.

"Don't cry, honey." I tell her. "You'll make CC cry, you don't want that." I elbow him in the ribs so he gets the point.

CC puts on a wonderful show of bawling and carrying on, making Robyn smile and laugh again.