Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

My Funeral

January 4th 1988

Rikki

So today's the day I'm going to fucking die. Either my wife is going to kill me or I'm going to have a heart attack. That's what's going to happen and that's the only outcomes for this situation.

Bianca woke up early this morning in pain and she was crying which scared the hell out of me. My wife doesn't cry a lot, it takes a lot to make her cry. Then she started to scream which I've only heard this one time before, when she broke her leg. Even though she was on the other side of the country I heard that scream loud and clear. So for obvious reasons, the absolute hell was scared out of me. To make it worse, Bee was in pain and screaming and pissed off at me for getting her pregnant.

I was already scared when I had the absolute pleasure of calling her family and her friends. One pissed off New Yorker is more than enough for me to handle, try six pissed off New Yorkers. CC, Ana, Robyn, their mother, James, and Jamie were all in great moods for being called at four o'clock in the morning but add their Bianca crying in the background. That is six pissed off New Yorkers that I never want to deal with again, I'll keep them all happy from now on.

So now it is twelve hours later and my children are still inside my wife. Bee is so insanely done with labor it's not even funny. I've been bouncing between the waiting room and the room that Bee is in and I'm not sure which one is scarier. In one room I have my brother in law pacing the length of the waiting room surrounded by a bunch of people who will let him kill me. On the other hand I have my wife who has been in labor for twelve hours and is threatening to murder me. I'm not sure which room is safe because both Johannesson twins have the means and are insane enough to murder me.

Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room beside Bret and Bobby. James and Jamie sit across from us with Leah. Leah starts to cry and Jamie picks her up out of the carrier and bounces the baby.

"James, can you go warm up her bottle?" Jamie asks quietly.

"Of course." James says and grabs the bottle before walking off.

Bret laughs and elbows me.

"You're going to be a bottle jockey." He laughs.

"But it's gonna be worse because they're two of them." Bobby joins him and Jamie scowls.

"You better realize what the hell your wife is going through." Jamie says and I smile. "I'm serious, Rockett. Your little wife that barley breaks one hundred pounds is pushing out your two children and that's the most intense pain she's ever been in. Change the fucking diapers and do the midnight feedings. It won't kill you, I promise."

"Yeah, I know." I say and open my mouth to say more but I get cut off.

"Uncle CC!!" Is yelled and we all look up.

Robyn runs in with tears rolling down her cheeks followed by Ana and their mother. My niece runs directly up to CC and buries her face in his chest. He hugs Robyn as she cries. Ana walks over to me and I know I'm in for it again.

"How's she doing?" She asks and I sigh.

"Screaming and yelling and crying--oh and cussing me out." I say and Ana smiles.

"That's normal. She's strong, Bee will be fine." Ana tells me.

"She is the strongest person I know." I admit and Robyn runs up to us.

"Mommy, when can we go see Aunt Bee? I want my Aunt Bee." The little girl says quietly as she hugs her mom's side. "Hi Uncle Rikki." Robyn says quietly.

"Hi sweetie." I say like Bee would but she's much better at it than I am.

"Can we go see Aunt Bee?" She asks.