Road to Evergreen | #Wattys2016

t w e n t y - t h r e e

The clouds are grey. The ocean is grey. His eyes are grey. My heart is grey. It's been burning since my eyes witnessed a description of shock and horror. The darkness of his eyes send shivers to weep my body. How can I live with myself? How can I know that everyday he walks down the streets, a smile on his face while evil consumes his eyes? That underneath his beautiful face, ugliness devours?

I look up and I see a girl. A chocked up lost girl with a fire heart. Her brown hair is out of place, and her face is drained from life. A hand wipes my eyes and I immediately flinch away but only to realize that it's mine. I can't even tell what reality is. Is it concrete to get a grip on it? Is it an illusion that wanders it's way through your mind?

After all that happened, I don't even know.

I search my room but it's pitch black. The blackness reminds me of the park. Of him.

I scream.

I fall on my knees, crumbling on the ground. My eyes are shut closed while my hands pull on my hair, hard. I see his eyes. I see her.

I scream again.

Get him out of my head!

I start counting my heart beats: one..two..three..four..five..six..

He won't go away.

Seven..eight..nine..ten..eleven..twelve..thirteen..fourteen..fifteen.. And I count my way to sleep.

I wake up to full brightness. I close my irritated eyes and look away. I find myself searching where I am but directly realize that I'm in my room: white walls and a bed. I try to remember what happened and how I fell asleep at night but all I can remember was.. I gulp down.

Not again.

I hurry to shower and try to wash away my sins. I rub my skin hard, causing it to ache. I rub again and again and again while tears stroll down my cheeks and merge with water. I can't see what's infront of me but images of a blurry life. A life that was once meant to be superb, ended up being chaotic.

I feel ashamed of myself. I let my pain swallow me whole. I haven't gone to college nor work for two days straight. Every time I step out of the door, my mind ticks and I scream. I felt even more ashamed when my mother found me on the floor, screaming while pulling at my skin. She held me for as long as I remember, weeping until I feel asleep. It's hard to believe that she's been taking care of me, while all I have done was take care of her. I managed to take a glance of her perfect blue eyes and saw life in her face. She seems so much better, and I can't help but feel relief being lifted of my shoulders.

A knock at the door startles me. I get up of the couch that I've been seated on for the past hour and look through the door hole. It takes me off by surprise to see Adam standing in front of the door. I back away feeling my heart beats rushing. My hands start sweating and I manage not to fall on the ground by leaning on the counter. What is he doing here? Why did he come? I never said he was welcomed here, I think I made it clear three days ago. I shake off the feeling and decide that I have to put an end to this yet again. He can't come strolling back into my life when it was against my will. I want him, I do. But I can't have him this way.

I open the door and those familiar green eyes strike me with defeat. All my logical thoughts drift away and my heart melts yet again. I feel tears forming in my eyes but I fight the urge of crying. I can't cry, it will make me weak. We are both staring, taking in each other. I follow his eyes as they trace from my face down to my feet. His lips part, and astonishment fills his eyes. I know how I look; I just didn't need a reminder. Nevertheless, he looks fairly good: sharp jawline, full lips, combed hair, and usual black outfit. But his eyes take me off guard when I see sadness consuming them.

"Why are you here?" I ask, daring to speak first.

"I-I don't know," he lets out a huff, lost in words. I try to force myself to not break, not in front of him. Our eyes meet, and I'm reminded that I would do anything for him. So I stand a bit taller as I grip harder on the door handle.

I clear my throat, "then you should find your way out." I look down and shut the door but only to be stopped by a foot blocking the way. The door opens back and I find myself backing away. Adam enters and closes the gap between us by lifting me up on the counter. Our lips meet instantaneously and I forget what my brain is ordering me. He parts my legs and steps between. I gasp at his sudden movement, taking me off guard. He lift his hand and grabs my neck from the back while deepening the kiss. My body lingers and I can't feel my legs anymore. I'm lost within him, and he's lost within me. All I can think of is the way his tongue is smothering mine and the way his body is holding as if I was to break. But this isn't right. This isn't me keeping him safe. I'm torturing him even more, and in that way it's like torturing myself. I break the kiss as we both breath heavily.

"You should go," I finally manage to say but too much of a coward to meet his eyes. He steps back, hesitant at first but then turns and walks out without a word. I want to run after him, to tell him it will all be fine. That this isn't his fault, it's the people we love's fault. We do everything to protect them, and I can't do that to him. Not after what I know now.

I fall to the ground and scream again.