Road to Evergreen | #Wattys2016

t w e n t y - s i x

I can't remember what happened. All I know is that I'm shaking endlessly like I've seen a ghost. But that's what happened actually, I did see a ghost. I saw him. Adam almost dropped me but he immediately got a hold of me. He then slowly fastened me to the ground. His hands held my face as horror wavered my eyes. "Lesley, what's wrong? What happened?"

I don't answer. I can't answer. My eyes are stuck to his as he walks even closer. I'm in utter shock and disbelief. When his eyes meet mine, he stops mid-way. He knows who I am. He knows what I saw. Just like me, he doesn't know what to do in this situation.

Adam keeps shaking me while talking but everything is so vague, it's like time froze.

"Lesley, answer me! What's wrong?" Adam demands, concerned.

"It's him," the voice comes out as a shattered whisper, but only to realize that I was the one who said it.

Adam examines my eyes and follows the trail of what I'm looking at. He turns between me and him, confused of what I'm accusing of. He let's go a hand from my cheek while the other is still cupping it, and waves it toward him. "That's my brother." I know. "What did he do?" He asks and as I meet Adam's green eyes. And it hits me why I found them so vaguely familiar. He's his brother. I look back at him, and he is mortified. As if all his secrets could spill in a second. Only if I opened my mouth.

Adam starts breathing heavily as he sees me shatter even more each time his brother takes a step closer. "Lesley, what did he fucking do?" He says in such a serious demand that terrifies every bone. My body is pinned to the concrete wall as my voice goes numb. I don't know what to do. I hide behind Adam and burry myself in his chest, hoping that maybe I could disappear. Adam notices what I'm attempting to do, so he pulls me tighter and whispers in my ear, "Lesley, here are the car keys," he hands them to me. "Get in the car and I will follow you in a minute, alright?" He says and then kisses me desperately as if he knows what's coming. As if he knows what his brother is capable of.

I nod, while my eyes are still wide open, shocked in everyway. The memories keep flowing back. That poor girl. I'm paralized, so I have no idea how I'm making my way to his car. I hear shouting from the back and I can capture only several words from the conversation, did you do? .. Hurt... No, I swear.. Something.. Wrong with her... Brother.. Trust me..

A heavy thud on the ground startles me, and my heart collapse with it. I gulp down, too scared to look back. I know it's Adam who fell, and I did it to him. If only I kept my mouth shut. If only I decided to stay away and not follow my stupid heart, he would be safe. I'm still facing the car as I pray that nothing happened to Adam because I know that he would never hurt his brother. But that evil human being will do so much more. He can do so much more.

My body stiffens as someone wraps his hand around me. I want to scream or shout or do anything for that matter. The realization hits me: He came for me. It's my turn now. I shut my eyes close, holding every ounce of pain. I let out a cry while my heart beat goes insane in a second: one..two..three..four..five..six..seven..eight.

But then my body relaxes as warmth finds it's way back. Adam holds me tight as he buries his face in my neck. His action surprises me that I'm still frozen in the same position I was before. Relief wavers over me as I realize that he's okay. My Adam is okay. I twist slowly until we're face to face. He frowns as his eyes endeavor me, confused of my behavior. I know what's wandering through his mind, but I don't think I'm the one who's capable of allocating what I know. Maybe Jeremy can do it. Maybe Jeremy can end it all for once, like his plan always was.

"I," I stifle a cry. "I'm so sorry," and I break. I cry as he holds me tight, smoothers my hair, and whispers kind things to my ears.

I want to glance back to see if his brother is still there, but I'm too much of coward. I become conscious of what this mean: I got between two brothers. And now, how can I live with myself? Adam defended me when he didn't even know what the cause was. But what if he knows? What would happen next? Will Adam see his brother as a disgrace to the family? Will he hit him? Will he hand him to the police? What is Adam's extreme measure?

All I know is that I won't sit down and fold my hands while I watch two brothers strip their bonds. That's not what their mother would've expected because I'm pretty sure she didn't desire for her two young boys to do that to each other, to take out their lives just like she did. And that's not what their beloved father would've expected. Nor what I expect. I taught myself out of being in Adam's life once and I can to it again. But this time, I need to find a way to not crawl back again.

I look into his eyes and capture as much of green that I can. This is my goodbye. I stand on my toes, and lean in for our final kiss. Our lips collide as our heartbeats sync in the same melody. I taste my tears as they stroll down my cheeks and merge them with the sadness of this kiss. From the way that he is holding me in pieces, afraid if he lets go I will break, I know that he knows what this is leading to.

I break the kiss and stare at the ground, "I will always love you, Adam. But I can't have you this way." I'm breathing faster than ever, and at any moment, I would faint.

"Wh-what are you saying?" He asks as his voice cracks. I lift my hand and smoother my fingers on his cheeks while I weakly smile to how beautiful of a person he is. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me," I say as I hold back the tears again. To that, Adam lifts me up and deepens the kiss while he spills out every ounce of hope into me. If only time froze, I would pick this very moment to freeze it. Because nothing can describe how secure to his touch I am. I give him one final kiss, trying to explain how sorry I am. That I would never hurt him on purpose, and that this is all my fault.

I hope that a kiss can tell it all.

My heart aches as I retract from his grace, turn around, and sprint to wherever life will take me. I hear him following me but I hide way too fast in the alley and watch him as he searches for me while calling out my name. I close my eyes and flinch with every shout. I put my hand over my heart, and let the pain dominate my exhaustion.

So, this is how it feels like to find no desire in living.