Notorious

Ineffable

I can count on one hand the number of people who have ever told me they loved me.

That list includes my dad –who left me- and Louis –who destroyed me and then left me.

So, when those three beautiful words slipped from Harry's lips a dull shock ran through my body before being replaced by a crippling fear that can only stem from abandonment.

The only sound is the room is our shallow breaths and even those seem much too loud. The longer I am silent –frozen in a petrified, shocked state- the more weary Harry grows. His palm has gone still against my cheek, though I am sure I can feel it shaking.

"W-what?" The one word comes out unsteady and it is the only one I can muster as those eight letters settle deep down into my bones.

Harry gulps nervously, though a glint of determination flashes in his murky iris'. He sits up in bed, the sheet falling to his waist, but I remain laying on my side, staring up at him.

"I'm in love with you, Aspen. And I think I have been for a long time. Maybe since the first night I saw you sing all those years ago. Maybe when I kissed you in that bathroom and you told me off. Maybe when I told you I was falling for you I had already fell.

"I wasn't meant to fall for you at all, but you were so brazen and no-nonsense and intelligent and caring and so fucking beautiful and I found myself wanting to see you, wanting to hear your voice every second of every day.

"And I don't know much, but I do know that I'm so fucking in love with you that it's almost painful and I don't want to deny it anymore. I love you, but it's more than that. I can't even... I don't even know how to express how you make me feel it's, it's..."

"In·ef·fa·ble/adjective: too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words."

It's the first time I've spoken since he started his speech and I'm shocked to even hear my own voice –the words just slipping out on impulse.

Harry seems shocked as well, like he almost forgot I was even here, before his dimples dig in his cheeks and a grin so boyish lights up his face I'm sure my heart stops working.

"God, see, it's shit like that that makes it so hard not to fucking love you. You're just... I don't even know what I did to deserve you... No, I don't even deserve you, but you choose to be with me anyway and I love you more for it.

"You're... You're just it for me, Aspen."

My heart swells in my chest and I feel full. My head, my heart are full for the first time in a long time and although I can feel the fear of being hurt settle into my mind, it's overpowered by my affection for this rambling mess.

It's only when he falls silent that I feel the dampness on my pillow. That I realize I'm crying. And once I realize –I don't stop.

"Shit, are you... Are you crying?" His face pales and his jaw drops as he scrambles down to me in a panic, "Please don't cry. Please. You don't have to say it back, I don't-"

"Harry."

"I didn't say it so that you would say it back –I said it so that you knew because it was eating away at me and-"

"Harry."

"Just please stop crying. I won't-"

"Harry!"

Finally, finally he stops rambling –looking down at me with wild eyes and flushed cheeks, his brows furrowed in concern.

"What? What is it?"