Notorious

Induratize

*WARNING: This chapter is going to talk about suicide/depression via Aspen's mom (so, obvioulsy not in a sensitive matter. This is not how I think or feel on the subject, so please remember that these are fictional characters. Also, I'm not very good with legal stuff, so just bare with me.*

Induratize/verb: To harden the heart.

It's a word I had first heard from my father in the summer I turned 12 and the word became obsolete. I thought it was the saddest word I had ever heard of and prayed it would be one I would never have to experience.

It's a word I embrace now, one I let seep through my very flesh and run through my brain until I feel the cold locks around my heart click into place.

Once a word I found so frightening, now one I find solace in.

Tired of the pain, of the confusion, of the betrayal.

I let the numbness take over.

That numbness is what allows me to open up my door when Liam knocks on the day of Harry's trial.

Liam nearly jumps out of his skin when the door swings open to reveal me on the other side. His eyebrows nearly shoot up into his hairline and he stutters slightly, taking a good look at me.

It's the first time I've seen him in over month.

I haven't really seen anyone besides Avery a few times, Niall once, and last week when I went to Harry's house.

My absence hasn't stopped everyone from calling my phone multiple times a day. Niall about the band, Harry groveling, Liam apologizing, my mom about Harry, Louis about me, and Zayn about picking up the phone.

I ignore them all because I have no interest in people that don't have my best interest.

I've fallen off the radar and I'm assuming that's why Liam seems so shocked that I have allowed him to see my face again.

"A-Aspen, oh my god," He barges into my apartment with no invitation and spins around to face me, irrationally angry, "Do you know how long I have been trying to contact you?"

"Do you know how long I've been trying to ignore you?"

Liam rears back at my words, glancing away and sighing deeply. He pauses before speaking, seeming to gather his words -thinking of how to word whatever nonsense is about to come out of his mouth.

"I know... I know what Harry and I did was wrong, lying to you and manipulating you, but you know that we had your best interest in mind. I did that for YOU Aspen. You can't... You can't stay angry at me forever."

"I'm not angry."

"You clearly are."

"I'm hurt, Liam," Though my voice cracks saying the words, I still feel nothing – express nothing, "I'm hurt that you lied to me, that you used me, had someone else use me for their own personal gain. And I'm not sure I want to associate with anyone who can hurt me so easily and try to justify it."

His face crumples at my words and I can see it in his eyes just like mom's –the shift. The moment that he realizes just how fucked up it was to employ Harry to be my friend, to use me.

"Aspen..."

I know then, that he is going to start groveling, start apologizing and though it is exactly what he should do, I don't want to hear it. I'm tired of people apologizing for shit they aren't really sorry for.

"I quit the band."

His remorseful look shifts into one of indignant disbelief and shock. It's almost humorous the way his eyebrows shoot up into his hairline and his jaw drops.

I'm just surprised Niall hasn't told the rest of the band yet. Maybe he is hoping I'll change my mind, pull through. And maybe I would have if I still had the capacity to feel guilty for leaving.

If I had the capacity to feel at all.

I've realized that we aren't given an inherently good or bad life, we are just given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad and I'm tired of letting other people dictate that.